Two Things I Know About Me
by eshizzle
Summary: Adam has always known two things about himself.  He is a guy and he likes girls.  So what happens when one of those things starts to change and it involves his best friend?  Adam/Eli slash
1. Chapter 1

**I own not Degrassi**

**This story is beta'd by the lovely ILive4Irony417 she also came up with the title, thanks!**

**FYI this is largely Adam's story. Wevery now and then I will let you in on the pov of other ********characters****, when that happens it will switch from first to third person. I will also write the person whos pov it is in bold at the beginning of the section.**

**Now, here goes!**

**Adam**

I have always known two things about myself, I am a guy and I like girls. So I was totally not ready when one of those two things began to be challenged. But I'm getting ahead of myself, so let's get back on track.

It all started just after the dance that went horribly wrong; Eli was trying to talk to Claire _**again**_. The cops had already left and for some stupid reason I was waiting for him. I kept hearing little bits of their conversation and it was making me sick. She really is stubborn. Don't get me wrong, I like Claire and all but damn she really was over reacting. I will agree that Eli did go a little too far, but still, something had to be done. Fitz was being too much of an ass to just go unpunished. I was so wrapped up in my thoughts that I didn't even notice that she had left and Eli was standing right next to me talking.

"Adam! Hello, Adam!"

"Oh hey Eli, so," I said as I looked around. "She left?"

He hung his head, "Yeah, the bitch. I mean, I finally decide it's safe to let her in and she freaks on me."

"Yeah, that sucks man I'm sorry."

He looks at me then, "It's not your fault. Come on, let's go."

We headed over to Morty and get in. We both buckled up, but we just sat there. Eli had put the keys in the ignition but hadn't started the car. He had his hands on the wheel, squeezing it, a pained look on his face. I have gotten to know Eli well enough to know to just sit there and wait. Honestly my first instinct would be to touch him, but I had learned that, that could prove to be bad for my well being. So instead I sat there until I couldn't deal anymore.

"Eli, are you ok?"

He leaned forward and rested his forehead on the steering wheel. "Yeah."

"You don't seem ok."

"Yeah well that's cause I'm fucked but oh well," he said while lifting his head and turning to look at me.

"Oh come on Eli, isn't that a bit harsh? How are you fucked?"

"I'm fucked because I suck at love."

I decided it was safe to touch him so I reached out and put a hand on his shoulder. "Dude, you don't suck at love."

"Yes I do!" He practically yelled at me. I was so startled by him raising his voice that I couldn't say anything. He just stared at me, an intense look on his face that I couldn't quite figure out. Suddenly the air around us became thick with…was that tension? Yeah definitely, but what kind? Eli answered my question when he kissed me. Really one second he was staring at me a foot and a half away, and then the next his lips were on mine. I didn't know what to do. I kissed him back for a moment out of pure shock before pushing him away.

"Eli, what the hell was that?"

"Shit Adam, I'm sorry, I don't know…"

"You don't know why you kissed me?"

"No, I mean I do, but, ah shit."

I just stared at him stupidly for a second before speaking up. "You know I'm straight right?"

He gave me guilty eyes. "Yeah."

"Ok and you know I'm not a girl…"

"Yes Adam, I know you aren't a girl."

"Then why did you just kiss me?"

He looked away from me, "I don't know, man I'm sorry."

Back to the 'I don't know', weird, so I just looked at him like he was crazy.

He started up the car and turned to me. "So I'll just take you home then," and we were off.

The whole way home I was grateful for Social Distortion playing so loud. It made it impossible for us to have an awkward conversation and made it easy for me to dismiss the thoughts that kept popping into my head. The thoughts that let me realize that I may have actually liked that kiss and wouldn't mind knowing why I was given it.

The next morning I woke up to the sound of Plumtree's Go. I rolled over and grabbed at my cell. I knew it was Eli but I looked at the screen anyway. I contemplated just ignoring him but thought better of it.

"Yeah?" I grumbled into the phone.

"Hey Adam, is it cool if I come over? I have a comic book movie marathon in my hands as we speak."

When I didn't say anything he spoke up again.

"Come on Adam, it's the perfect mix of dark, badass and super heroes."

I sighed, I did want to hang out, I was just afraid of what might happen. "Ok you got me, when you coming over?"

"Uh, is now too soon?"

I looked at the clock, it was just after eleven, and then I looked down at myself. I sighed again, "It's cool, but can you give me some time to get ready? I'm still in bed."

I could hear the smile through the phone, if that's even possible and I wondered what it meant. "Ok so I'll see you in and hour?"

"Sure, see ya then."

I hung up the phone and lay back on my bed. The kiss last night had my mind reeling and I have to admit that I'm kinda worried. I always thought Eli was straight and I know he sees me as a guy, but that just wouldn't make any sense. If I'm honest with myself then I have to admit that maybe I'm not totally straight, otherwise I wouldn't get a fluttery feeling in my stomach whenever I thought of that kiss. I don't think I could go there with him and I just can't be gay. There are so many reasons not to. Like getting even more shit for not only being Degrassi's resident tranny but a fag too. I know how tough it has been for Riley and he's a bio guy. But the biggest reasons to put any more than friendly thoughts of Eli out of my head are that Claire and him just ended. I think. That and we are best friends. I don't want to be a rebound and I really don't want to lose a friend. Not that I could be his rebound cause I'm not gay. I can't be, but he is awfully cute. No! No he isn't. God I really have to get these thoughts out of my head before he gets here. Just because I think he's cute doesn't mean I actually like him that way, right?

I heaved myself off my bed and headed to the bathroom after grabbing my binder and clothes. I showered then went about getting dressed, as I was binding I found myself wishing that mom would just let me get top surgery. I really am getting sick of doing this everyday and I know that no matter how much she may hope for it, I'm NEVER going to be Gracie again. I get all dressed and survey myself in the mirror. Feeling satisfied I left the bathroom to face my best friend who as of last night has become a huge confusion in my life.

I headed to the kitchen to grab myself some food. A quick look at the clock told me that I had about fifteen minutes until Eli was supposed to show. I grabbed an apple and saw a note on the counter. Everyone would be gone for most of the day which could be great or really suck for me cause that means Eli and I would be alone.

**Eli**

Eli knew that he was probably making a big mistake when he decided to kiss his best friend. Thing is, he just had to know. He had been crushing on Adam since before Claire entered into the picture. He has known for a while that he's into guys and girls, he just doesn't see the point in broadcasting it. He figures it's his business and he will tell friends if it comes up or if he feels like it's important for them to know that about him. But as far as anyone else, he just doesn't see the point. Obviously if he started dating a guy people would know, but it didn't look like that was gonna happen any time soon. Adam is the only guy he's interested in right now and it has become painfully clear that Adam doesn't share his feelings.

He was thinking about how strange last night had become. Claire going to the dance with Fitz of all people and freaking out on him, then making Fitz puke, Fitz and the knife and finally the kiss; the kiss that he kept replaying in his mind over and over. Not just because he had wanted to do it for so long, but because there was something that made him think that just maybe Adam wasn't all straight. He remembers sitting there pissed at himself for screwing up the thing he had with Claire. Up until he finally let her in; the only person he trusted with his secrets was Adam. Honestly even though he has thought Claire was cute since he met her, Adam was a big part of why he was so hot and cold with her. Of course Juliet had a lot to do with it but so did his best friend. Eli wanted to make sure that there was no chance with Adam before going ahead with Claire. And now here he is obsessing over Adam when he should be thinking about Claire. Part of him wants to try to get her back but mostly he just hopes that they can be friends again.

Adam gets him. Adam would never have freaked on him the way she did and when Eli kissed him, he did kiss back. It may have only been for a moment but he did. There was something in the way his body seemed to relax for a moment that told Eli that maybe Adam wasn't all straight and maybe he wanted to be kissed by him.

He was thinking about all this while he was getting ready to go to Adam's place. As much as he wanted to try kissing him again, he thought better of it. He was in a pretty messed up place right now with everything that's been going on. He figured that the best way to deal was to just to go back to the way things were. Maybe if he just acted like nothing had changed then it wouldn't, or maybe it would, in a good way. If he backs off then maybe if he isn't making things up, then Adam will come around, on his own terms.

Eli headed out to Morty to head over to Adam's place. He put some music on (SubHumans) and started the car. It wasn't long before he found himself standing on the Torres' front porch knocking on the door.

The door opened and there was Adam. "Hey Eli."

"Hey."

Adam stepped aside to let Eli in. "So what movie is first in the marathon you have planned?"

"You choose, Spider Man, Sin city or V For Vendetta to start with."

"Sin City," Adam said as they headed into the living room.

**Reviews please?**


	2. Chapter 2

**Don't own Degrassi**

**Here's chapter two! Thanks for all the reviews, I'm glad other people like the idea of these two together as well and not just me.**

**Thank you to ILive4Irony417 for being awesome and my beta.**

**Now on with the story!**

**Adam**

When Eli knocked on the door I felt myself getting nervous. As I walked to the door I just kept telling myself that there was nothing to be nervous about. On the other side of the door was my best friend who has come over to watch movies with me. See, nothing to be nervous about, unless of course you add in the part where said best friend kissed me last night. No, nothing to be nervous about there!

I opened the door and there he was. "Hey Eli," I said while fighting myself to not start interrogating him as to why he kissed me last night.

"Hey," he answered back and I stepped aside to let him in. He walked past me then turned around while digging in his back pack.

"So what movie is first in the marathon you have planned?" I asked him.

"You choose," he said while pulling out three discs. "Spider Man, Sin city or V For Vendetta to start with."

"Sin City," I said as we headed into the living room. He handed me the movie and I went to get it started. After putting the disc in the player I turned to Eli. "Do you want popcorn or something?"

"Sure," he said as he started getting up. "I'll help."

"Eli, I think I can get popcorn myself."

"I realize that Adam, but popcorn leads to thirsty so I'll get the drinks." He smiled at me and I couldn't help but smile back. That isn't weird is it? I mean I would normally smile at him so…

We headed into the kitchen and got our snacks. When we went back into the living room I realized that I was going to have to sit closer to Eli than I had first planed on. If I sat too far away we both wouldn't be able to reach the popcorn. So I sat close enough to him that we could both reach. The movie started and soon I was feeling like I had nothing to worry about; we were just two friends watching a movie and one that is full of hot girls at that.

"Rosario Dawson is so damn hot," Eli said toward the end of the movie.

"I know, right? It kinda makes you wanna shoot yourself in the face."

"What?"

"You know, cause she is so hot…"

He smiled at me. "Man you are weird." We both laughed and I finally relaxed almost totally.

We went back to watching the movie then till the end. When it was over we decided it was time for lunch. After searching through the kitchen we decided to just go to the Dot. We left the house and hopped into Morty and were off. We got there, found a table and ordered. We were just sitting there talking when Eli looked over my shoulder.

"Shit."

"What?" I turned and saw Clare and Ali walking in. "Whoa."

"Yeah, Adam look at me."

I did and was taken back by the look he was giving me. It was more than friendly to say the least. "What's up Eli?"

He sat back then and I realized that he had been leaning toward me. "Nothing is up Adam, I just don't think either of us should be staring at her."

"Right," I said, thoroughly unconvinced.

"Anyway, what were we talking about?" Just then our food arrived and I took the opportunity to stuff a too hot fry in my mouth.

"Hah-hah-ho-hot!" I said as I flailed around like a spaz.

"Well yes Adam," Eli said sarcastically, "that's what happens when food is cooked. Its gets hot." He smirked at me then and even through the pain in my mouth I was aware of how attractive he is.

"Shut up," I said as I reached across the table to punch him in the shoulder. He laughed so hard then that he almost fell off his chair. I decided to ignore this strange behavior. "So we're just going to ignore her?"

"Well, yeah," he said as he regained his composure. "She made it painfully clear last night that she doesn't want to have anything to do with me."

I sighed, sometimes it was really exasperating dealing with the two of them. "Yeah, but she does care and you two were friends first right? Not to mention now I'm caught in the middle cause I'm her friend too."

"Well, what do you want me to do Adam?"

"I don't know, say hi or something?"

He looked past me again, "Well it looks like you're going to get your wish cause here she comes." I turned around just in time to see Clare just feet away from us.

"Hey Clare," I spoke up, hoping to keep things civil.

"Hi Adam, Eli," she said while plastering a smile on her face.

I looked at Eli and decided he was a better actor than our Romeo and Juliet video had me believe. He didn't seem at all hurt or bothered when he said, "Hey Clare." He even smiled and it seemed genuine. "Hey listen," he said while focusing his attention on her. "I'm sorry about yesterday, I was an ass."

"Yes you were, but…"

"But what Clare, I was an ass, end of story. I gotta piss," he said as he got up and left us. So there is the emotion I was looking for.

Clare and I were left there in awkward silence. What was even worse was that she just stood there staring at me and I kept trying to avoid making eye contact. Finally she spoke up.

"Adam, tell me, is he ok? Really? I mean I know that the whole Fitz with the knife thing really shook him. That on top of…well, me…I don't know. I just need to know, is he ok?"

"Yes Clare, he is ok. We have been hanging out all day. How are you?"

"You want to know?"

"Well, yeah, I am your friend you know."

"I know, its just, the way Eli was just looking at you…"

"Huh?"

"Never mind," she said as she turned to leave just as Eli came back.

Eli walked right past her and sat down without saying a word.

"What did she have to say?"

"Nothing really," I kind of lied, "just making sure you're ok."

"Why wouldn't I be?" He asked me, a look of agitation on his face.

I put my hands out in front of me, palms out. "Hey don't shoot the messenger, I told her you were fine!"

"Thanks man," he said while he got back to his lunch and I to mine.

**Clare**

When she walked into the Dot with Ali Clare almost turned right around when she saw Eli. Ali convinced her not to.

"Come on Clare, look he already sees us," Ali said while just barley gesturing his way. "If we leave now you will look like a coward. Do you want that?"

Clare sighed. "No," she said as they sat at a table. As much as she tried to not stare she just couldn't help herself. She may have decided not to be with Eli, but that doesn't make him any less hot. While she was trying not to stare she saw something confusing. Adam had been looking at her then he turned back to Eli. Eli gave him a look that she had only ever seen him give her before. What is going on?

"Earth to Clare!" Suddenly I was brought back to the reality of my friend sitting across from me.

"Oh, sorry Ali."

"You need to talk to him." Clare gave her a look that said, 'Why would I do that?' "You are obviously worried about him; you haven't talked about anything else all day."

"Sure I'm worried, but what will talking to him do?"

"Well, you want to know if he's ok right?"

"Yes, but-"

"But nothing! Go talk to him; see if he is ok and let him know you still care at the same time."

She did and all it really did was confuse her more. At first Eli seemed like he really was fine, then he had a kind of minnie freak out and left. Then to make things even weirder, she talked to Adam and actually asked him what was going on with them. That was probably the stupidest thing she could have done. Adam looked at her like she was a freak. But she knows she didn't imagine the look Eli gave Adam. Unfortunately she didn't see Adam's face or hear what they were saying. That might have let her know why Eli gave him that look, not that she should be obsessing over it. They are best friends so they are allowed to give each other whatever looks they want. After thinking about it for probably too long she finally decided that it was nothing and she would just drop it. At least she would drop it unless she witnessed more strange behavior between them.

**Adam**

This day was turning out to be strange, at least the latest part. So I was pretty happy when Eli and I finished eating and were ready to leave. We paid, waved goodbye to Clare and Ali and headed out to Morty. We got in the car and I grabbed Eli's CD case and started going through it.

"Hey!"

"What? The passenger gets to pick the tunes; it's a rule."

"Oh yeah and who's rule is that?"

"Mine", I said as I found NOFX's Punk in Drublic and put it in the player.

"Nice choice Adam, so I guess this rule of yours is ok." He turned and smiled at me before turning his attention back to the road. "So, what movie is next?"

"You bring Iron Man 2?"

"Of course I brought it."

"Good, then that's what I want to watch."

We didn't talk for the rest of the drive back to my house. I tried just focusing on the lyrics to Linoleum but my mind still wandered. I was kind of going crazy thinking about Eli and all this weirdness. Like why did he kiss me last night and what was with that look at the Dot? We pulled up in front of my house and I decided that I couldn't just go on acting like nothing happened anymore. So when we sat down about to watch the movie I turned to talk to him before it started.

"So Eli…"

"Yeah?"

"I gotta ask, why did you kiss me last night?"

He sighed and put his head in his hands for a moment before looking back at me. "Oh that again."

"Yes that again Eli, I'm really confused now and I would like not to be. Confused."

"Well, ok. So for a lack of a better term I guess you could say I'm bi. Really what kind of junk a person has doesn't matter to me. I have had a crush on you since before Clare and before I knew you were FTM. I guess I was just really messed up last night and I had to know if maybe you might like me too. But now I know that you don't so I just want us to go back to being friends." He looked at me then, right in the eye. "Does that work for you?"

My mind went crazy then and I didn't really know what I wanted to say, what would be true; so what I said was, "Yeah, that'll work." What I didn't say was that maybe he was wrong about me not being into him, I just don't know.

**Reviews? Please?**


	3. Chapter 3

**Still don't own Degrassi.**

**Surprise! Chapter three here already!**

**My bets ILive4Irony417 effing ROCKS!**

**Adam**

Eli and I were hanging out in my room, sitting on my bed listening to music and reading comics. It was nice, I felt like things were good, like they were before the kiss. He nudged me and pushed a volume of Transmetropoitan toward me. I grabbed it and started flipping through it. After a while I was aware of the mattress sinking a little. Soon Eli was sitting right next to me and my heart stopped, really.

"Hey Adam," he breathed at me, his face incredibly close to mine.

"Eli…" I choked out. Then his lips were on mine again. This time I didn't stop him, oh boy I didn't stop him. His mouth pressed against mine, almost bruising, then I brought my hands up, kneading his back, reassuringly and his kisses became softer. I sighed against his mouth and his tongue gently pushed against my lips. I opened my mouth and brought my tongue up to meet his. He wrapped his arms around me and I thought I was gonna die. He moaned into my mouth as he started pushing me back down on the bed. He crawled up on me and his kisses deepened.

"Mmmmm, Adam," he murmured against my lips. "Adam!" He yelled at me and suddenly I realized that that was strange. "Adam!" He yelled again, but the voice was wrong.

Suddenly I was sitting bolt upright in bed awoken by my brother yelling my name. "Shit," I said aloud between heavy breaths. Oh my god, I can't believe I was just dreaming that, I thought as I flung myself out of bed. I threw the door open to see my brother standing there.

"What?"

He held out the land line out to me, "Eli is on the phone for you."

I just stared at him like he was speaking German; I don't speak German. He shoved the phone in my hand and I slowly brought it to my ear. "Hey," I said, hoping my voice didn't give away how I was feeling after waking from that dream.

"Whacha doing?"

"Well I was sleeping, why didn't you call my cell?"

"I did, it went straight to voicemail."

I walked over to the nightstand and found that my phone was off. "Huh, it's off, I don't remember turning it of. Anyway what's up?"

"I wanted to know if you wanted to hang."

Did I? Yes but honestly I was terrified. I had just been having what I assume would have become a sex dream starring Eli, had I not been woken up. So did I _really _want to hang out with him when I could still "feel" his dream hands on me, not to mention the dream his lips. I must have been thinking and not speaking for too long.

"Adam? Helloooooo!"

"Hey, Eli, sorry I just uh, had uh, a really… weird dream?" I didn't mean for that to sound like a question, but come on I was pretty confused.

"Oh really? What about?"

"Nothing I want to talk about, just weird," I said unbelievably quickly.

"Ok well I'm coming over, you sound like you need me." Then he hung up before I could protest. Crap.

**Eli**

After getting dressed and gathering the things he was going to bring to Adams, Eli set off. He stopped at the Dot first to get some coffee to go. He got in Morty, put the two coffees in the cup holders, started the car and cranked up the radio. He hadn't taken Punk In Drublic out since Adam had put it in yesterday. A song started and he chuckled to himself before singing along in a slightly off key falsetto.

_"For you my heart was yearning,_

_And how I loved you so!_

_It's cause of you my dick is burning,_

_It's dripping on my car!"_

He laughed pretty hard then as A Perfect Government came on. When he had calmed down enough he just rocked out the rest of the way to Adam's place. Amazingly enough he didn't spill any coffee on the way there. So he grabbed the two cups and headed up to the door. He put one of the coffees between his arm and chest, then knocked. Drew answered.

"Hey," he said as he moved aside so Eli could step inside.

"Hey Drew."

Then Drew turned and yelled as the walked inside. "Adam, Eli's here!" Then he turned to Eli, "I think he's in the bathroom, go on up, he should be out in a few."

So Eli headed up the stairs to Adam's room. He went in, sat on his bed and took out the slew of comics he had been meaning to introduce Adam to. The stack included a bunch of 100 Bullets, Fables, Preacher and Transmetropolitain. He had started flipping through a book when he heard Adam come in.

"Eli are you in here?" Eli looked up and was about to greet his friend back when the look on Adam's face stopped the words in his mouth. Adam's eyes grew wide and he looked like he had seen a ghost. "Oh. My. God," he said as he backed up against the wall.

"Whoa, Adam, what's wrong man?"

"Wha- oh… uh… nothing," he said while obsessively smoothing down his shirt.

Eli got up and Adam looked as though he was trying to back himself right through the wall. "Dude, what's up?" Eli stopped right in front of Adam, a concerned look on his face.

Adam visibly took a few deep breaths before answering. "Nothing really, can we just drop it and move on?"

Eli was totally confused now, but he was trying not to cause any more issues with his friend, so… "Yeah man, it's cool. Now come over here, I brought those comics that I've been telling you about." Adam followed him over to the bed but didn't sit down. "Dude, Adam, what is the deal? Come on and sit," he said as he patted the spot next to him.

Adam sat and Eli handed him a comic, it was the first Transmet.

"Of course," Adam said under his breath.

Eli heard what he said but figured that Adam didn't know he had. While Adam was looking at the comic he had given him, he took the time to try to figure out why Adam was acting so strangely; really, what was so strange and startling about him bringing comics over? They were friends and they had done this or something like it many times before. But Adam was acting like Eli had done something freaky. Was it about the kiss? He thought that they had talked about that and everything was ok. Well, he thought to himself, there's only one way to figure this out. He scooted closer to his friend.

"Adam?"

He jumped up and took a few hurried steps away from Eli. "Yeah," he said while doing what Eli supposed was trying to act natural.

"Whoa Adam, really what is going on? Is this about the kiss?"

"Wha- what kiss?" Adam stuttered while fidgeting with his shirt.

"Really? The other night, you know after the dance?"

"Oh, that," he said, appearing to calm down a little.

"Yes, that Adam. Really what is going on?"

"Nothing," he said and Eli gave him a look that clearly said that he didn't believe that. "Ok, so it isn't nothing, I just don't want to talk about it, not now at least." He looked down at his feet for a moment before looking Eli in the eye and speaking again. "Maybe it wasn't such a good idea for you to come over."

"Yeah, I guess not," Eli said, feeling equally hurt, confused and pissed. "Later Adam," he said, then he left. He cursed himself the whole way out, feeling like he screwed up the one close friendship he really had. And for what? A stupid kiss? Damn he really did it this time, he really wanted to talk to someone, but who? He couldn't talk to Clare; he didn't think this was really something he could talk to Sav about. Really the person he would usually talk to about this sort of thing was Adam, and that so was not going to happen.

**Adam**

I can't believe I acted like such a freak just now! It's just after that dream I was already feeling a little crazy, then Eli had to come over with a bunch of comics, including the one I had in my hand right when he started kissing me in my dream. It was bad enough that he brought all those comics, but when he moved closer to me and said my name, well I just lost it. Obviously part of me really wants to kiss him again, otherwise I wouldn't have had that dream. I just don't know if I can, I mean of course I can physically; I just don't know if I can be even a little gay, and then there's Clare. She is my friend and I can't imagine how she would react if Eli and I became…involved. Not that I want to be involved with Eli, do I? God I don't know. I guess I can go through the pros and cons of the possibility of us getting involved. On the pro side; he knows I'm trans and is cool with it, he is into me as a guy, we are friends so we know each other pretty well so far, that takes away the getting to know you part of dating, he is gorgeous, funny, kind and we share a lot of the same interests, I get him in ways that most girls wouldn't and he is into me. Nobody has really ever known about my gender identity and been into me at the same time. On the con side; he is a guy and I'm not sure I can be gay or bi or whatever, we're friends and I don't want to mess that up, he is also my friend's ex, very recent ex and, well I can't think of anything else.

So the pros seem to outweigh the cons, so what. I was thinking all this when there was a knock at my door.

"Come in," I called as I tried to look as casual as possible while sitting back on my bed, leaning against the headboard.

The door opened to reveal Drew. "Hey, Adam, is everything ok?"

"Yeah, why do you ask?"

"Because," he said as he sat next to me on the bed. "Eli just ran out of here like someone set his clothes on fire."

"Oh, that…" I said suddenly really interested in the hem of my shirt.

"Yes that Adam, you have been acting weird, weirder than usual lately. What's up?"

"I don't think I can talk about it Drew," I said to my shirt hem.

"Oh come on Adam, how bad can it be?"

I looked up at my brother then... "You have no idea."

"Yeah I don't, but something is up with you and Eli and the last time you two were having issue the shit really hit the fan."

"Yeah, well it's not like that this time, just butt out ok?"

"Fine," he said while he stood up to leave. "But remember if you wanna talk…"

"Yes mom," I said while laughing and chucking a pillow at his head.

"Ok, Ok!" Drew said as he ducked out of my room.

He left and I was alone with my stupid brain and all the stuff in it. I am so screwed up over Eli and that dream. What do I do? Do I tell him? Do I keep it bottled up? I don't really have anyone else to talk to and my crazy directly involves him, so…I grabbed my cell and pulled up Eli's number. I stared at it for what seemed like hours but was probably only a minute or so. I heaved a huge sigh, hit send and brought the phone up to my ear. He answered after the third ring.

"You calm down?"

"Hello Eli."

"Hey Adam, now I'm not gonna say what's up, I've said that enough today."

"Yeah, how would you feel about coming over again?"

"I suppose I could do that, you gonna flip again?"

"I don't know, but we need to talk."

Eli chuckled, "dun dun dun!"

"Shut up, I'm serious."

"Kay, I'll be right there."

Just then there was a knock at my door and the next thing I knew, Eli was back in my room.

**I'm still not against getting reviews.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Degrassi is not mine.**

**Hey all heres chapter 4 sorry to those of you who I told it would be coming yesterday or Saturday, my weekend got CRAZY but here it is now! This is a short one but don't worry the next one will be up really soon. **

**This one isn't beta'd, so all mistakes are mine. ILive4Irony417 still rocks and she will still be bataing my stuff**

**Alright enough of that, on with the story!**

**Eli**

After Adam freaked out and had him leave, Eli went out to his car but he didn't go any where. He turned his car on so he could listen to music. He took out the NOFX and put in a mix he made of Nomeansno, Propaghandi, Dead Kenedys, DOA and Dead Milkmen. He cranked it up and leaned back in his seat so he could think. What on earth was Adam freaking out about? He had brought comics over before and he had never acted like that. Maybe it was the kiss. He knew he shouldn't have kissed him, but he thought that had all been talked out. Shit, is it because now Adam knows that He had/has a thing for him? Is he all worried to be alone together now cause he thinks Eli is gonna make a move again? Eli thinks that maybe he should call him or go try to talk to him again. Make sure he knows that he doesn't have to worry. Now that Eli knows that Adam isn't into him (or at least isn't ready to admit it) he will back off completely. Eli isn't going to make another move unless he finds out that Adam is into him, undoubtedly.

He thought about how Adam was acting and started to wonder if maybe it is because Adam was realizing that he _is_ into him. But that is probably just wishful thinking. Maybe. Honestly Eli was hoping that Adam was into him, his weird behavior could be because of just that. Or he could be freaked out by Eli. Though the latter didn't really make all that much sense.

Eli was so confused that he decided that maybe he should just go back and get Adam to talk. But maybe he should just go home and wait it out. No screw that he was going back. Eli's brain was buzzing with all this stuff when he became vaguely aware of the sound of NOFX's cover Olive Me competing with Holiday In Cambodia. He turned the stereo down and answered his phone. It was Adam and he wanted him to come over. Eli hopped out of the car and headed up to the front door while he talked to Adam. He knocked on the door, was let in by Drew again, nodded a hello to him and jogged up the stairs. He had just hung up when he found himself in front of Adam's door. So he knocked.

**Adam**

"Well that was fast."

Eli smiled shyly, "yeah, well I was just sitting in my car trying to decide whether I should just leave or come back and make you talk to me. You took care of that for me though." He smiled at me again and it made me stop breathing. "So, does this mean you're gonna tell me what has you freaking out?"

"I can't be gay!" I blurted it out and immediately wished I could take it back.

"Whoa Adam, what is this about? I thought we figured out all that stuff already, after the other night. I thought we decided that my feelings were, are unrequited and that we are just friends."

"You're right, can we go somewhere? For some reason I don't want to have this conversation here."

"Sure, where do you wanna go?"

"The park?" I figured being in a semi public place was a good idea.

"K, lets go then," he said as he opened the door. I followed him out the house and into his car.

When the car started I cranked the music up. I didn't want to talk until we were out of a confined space. If I am really going to do this, I want us to be in neutral territory. When we got to the park we found a bench that was sort of removed from the few people who were there and sat.

"So," he said, "what is this about?"

I just stared at him until he spoke up again.

"Again, I say, I thought we were ok as far as the me kissing you thing. I thought we figured that all out."

"We did… andthenIhadthisdreamlastnight," I mumbled at him.

"What now?"

I sighed and mustered up all the courage I could possibly find hidden away in me. "The dream I had last night?"

"The weird one?"

"Yeah, well it wasn't so much weird as it was… kinda… uh… sexy." I just stared at him, willing him not to make me tell him about it. When he just returned my stares I realized that I was gonna have to spill. "Well, the dream, it was about you." As soon as the words were out of my mouth I tried hiding, but that was hard since the closest tree was about five feet away.

"Calm down Adam," he said as he scooted closer to me. "You know having a sexy dream about me doesn't mean you're gay."

"You're right! I've dreamt about kissing people that I'm really not into, so yeah."

"You sound like you're trying to convince yourself." He smirked at me, "what I actually meant was, I've had sexy dreams about you and I'm not all gay."

"Yeah, wait, you've had sexy dreams about me?" As soon as I said it I knew it wasn't gonna help me. I shook my head before continuing, who cares if Eli has sexy dreams about me? "The thing is I don't think whatever is or isn't happening here can go on. It's hard enough at Degrassi being the schools he/she freak."

"Don't say that Adam."

"Why? It's what half the school thinks of me."

"Who cares? Let the whole damn city think you're a freak, what matters is that you aren't. They are just small minded ignorant sheep!" He practically yelled the last part before putting a hand on my knee. I didn't know what to do so I just let him.

"That's easy for you to say Eli, you aren't the freak."

"Hey, half the school thinks I'm a big emo freak."

"Yeah, but if you wanted to you could trade in Morty for a normal car and change the way you dress. This," I said while gesturing at myself, "is me. I can't go back to being Gracie because she isn't who I am."

"Yeah, I see what you mean, but you know, I'm not afraid to be with you. That is part of who I am."

"Ok, but-"

"But what Adam? If we ended up together, then I would be the queer with the tranny boyfriend and you would be the faggy tranny. Big freaks, both of us."

I laughed, I couldn't help myself. "Faggy tranny?"

He laughed too. "That does sound pretty ridiculous doesn't it?"

"It does. But Eli, that isn't the only reason why this can't happen, even if I knew I wanted it, cause I don't. Know that."

"Ok, so what else besides you not being gay and not wanting to deal if you kinda are?"

I gave him a dirty look before speaking. "Well Clare, you two just ended and she is my friend too."

"Yeah, I've thought about that too, but she is the one who dumped me."

"True, but that doesn't make it any more ok really."

"Ok Adam, but really where I'm sitting, none of this is a really good reason not to pursue whatever it is that is between us. Cause there is something between us, you have to feel it. Don't you, at least a little?"

"Yeah.," I practically whispered. Suddenly I realized that he had leaned in closer to me and I realized that I was barely breathing.

"Yeah," he whispered, his lips so close to mine that I swear a breeze would push them together.

"Wait," I said while putting a hand on his chest. "I didn't say I was cool with…"

He tilted his head and I could feel his breath against my mouth as he spoke. "Do you want me to stop?"

"I… uh…" Part of me was screaming at me to say no, but the rest of me won out. "I gotta go," I said, then I got up and ran.

**Review please?**


	5. Chapter 5

**Degrassi = still not mine**

**So here is chapter 5, **_**this one **_**is heavy on Eli and Clare's pov. I am writing chapter six now but ya'all should be warned, I am currently writing three fan fics and three original stories so I am updating as fast as I can.**

**Thank you ILive4Irony417 for being a kick ass beta! And thank you to all my reviewers!**

**Now, on with the story!**

**Adam**

I ran from the park as fast as I could, going anywhere, honestly I had no destination; I just had to get out of there. I had to clear my head and figure out what the hell is going on with me. I ran for so long that when I finally stopped I was out of breath and had a stitch in my side. I was bent over, hands on my knees, trying to catch my breath when I heard a familiar voice call my name. I looked up to see Clare running toward me.

"Adam, are you ok?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," I said between pants.

"Then why were you just running down the street like your life depended on it?"

I stood up and steadied my breath before answering her. "Really Clare, I'm fine."

She looked at me like she didn't believe me and took a couple deep breaths. "Is it about Eli?"

"Wha- What?"

"Come on Adam, I saw the way he was looking at you at the Dot yesterday…"

I sighed, "Look the truth is, I don't really know what's going on, but Eli is the reason I was running. God Clare, I can't talk to you about this!"

"I know it's weird, believe me," she said as a look crossed her face that told me she was going to be Saint Clare no matter how much it might hurt. "But Adam, you need a friend right now so here I am." She spread her arms out wide on either side of her body.

"Clare, I can't," I said to her while suddenly becoming really interested in my shoes.

She reached a hand out and gently pushed up, her hand under my chin, so I would look at her. "Yes you can. I should have known that Eli and I were never going to work. But you two… it's weird but you do have more in common than him and I." She looked down then slowly back up at me, "So… does this mean you're…gay?"

"Whoa, whoa slow down Clare. I don't even know if I like him that way."

"Really," she said, while managing to sound like I just said the most ridiculous thing in the world. "So, why were you running from him just now?"

My face got hot and I knew I was blushing so hard. "Uh, god this is weird."

"We have already established that, now what were you about to say?"

"We almost kissed and I freaked."

The look on her face was enough to make me wish I had kept my mouth shut.

"Clare, I'm sorry, I should go."

"Oh no you don't," she said while grabbing my hand and steering me in the opposite direction. "Look, I'm only gonna say this one more time; I'm the one who couldn't handle being with Eli so I have to deal with the consequences. That said, I am your friend and Eli's and I want to see both of you happy." She took a deep breath then. "Even if that means getting the two of you together."

"But Clare, I told you that I freaked out when he tried to kiss me."

"Yes, but what was the reason for that? Something tells me it wasn't because you aren't interested."

She had got me so I just didn't say anything as I followed her the rest of the way to her place.

**Eli**

When Adam flipped out and left, he was so shocked that he didn't know what to do. He sat there stunned for a minute before running to his car. When he finally caught up to Adam he saw that he was talking to Clare of all people. Shit, he thought to himself. Should he go to them and try to figure it all out? No he needs to let Adam deal with this without him until he is ready to either give them a try or just be friends. God he hoped that Adam would decide that it is worth it to be with him. What he really needed was someone to talk to, but that was just not gonna happen, so he turned up his music and headed to the Dot. He didn't want to be home and coffee sounded good.

He got there, ordered some coffee and found a table. He tried writing but his hands couldn't keep up with his brain, so he just ended up drinking his coffee and staring out the window. He heard a familiar voice and looked up to see Sav at the counter talking to Peter. He redirected his attention to his steaming black coffee and just let all his confused crazy thoughts swarm his brain. He was so consumed with his thoughts that he didn't notice that Sav and sat across from him. He finally heard his friend's voice after his hand waved above Eli's mug.

"Earth to Eli," Sav was saying.

"Oh, hey," Eli replied completely unenthusiastically.

"Dude, what's up? I know your coffee isn't that interesting."

"Nothing man, I'm fine."

"Liar! I know we aren't that close but it isn't hard to see that you are just not right. Is it Clare?"

"No, not exactly."

"Not exactly?"

"Yeah, see she and I are done, but now there's someone else but it's complicated."

"Isn't it always complicated?"

"You have no idea Sav."

He leaned back in his chair. "Try me."

"Well… The person… is," he heaved a huge breath before continuing. "It's Adam."

"Whoa."

"Yeah, look man; I totally understand if you aren't so into talking about it now."

"No it's cool, weird kinda, but cool. So does he like you too?"

"I think so? Thing is I think he is scared of liking a guy, afraid of what other people will think."

"That's weird."

"How do you figure?"

"Well he's kind of a girl so…"

"Look man, he isn't a girl, not one bit." As Eli spoke those words he could feel anger bubbling up inside him.

"Whoa, whoa!" Sav said while putting his hands palms out in front of himself. "Don't shoot me; I guess I just don't really understand how this whole transgender thing works."

"Obviously," Eli said as he crossed his arms in front of his chest.

Just then Ali appeared next to our table. "Sav, what are you doing here? I thought you were grounded, again."

"Well I am dear sister, but I'm meeting Holly J for some student council stuff."

"Yeah right, last I checked dates weren't student council related." Sav just smiled at her. "It's no fair! You get away with everything!" Then she stomped off.

"Whoa, you're sister is a trip."

"Yeah I know, anyway the way I see it Eli, you just gotta back off a little." Eli raised an eyebrow at Sav. "See, when Anya and I were together, like every time, she was always pressuring me to tell my folks about us. All that really did was mess things up. So, you wanna get with Adam, back off a little. Just because he has feelings for you doesn't mean he is ready."

"So," Eli said, feeling a little uneasy. "I probably shouldn't try to kiss him." His voice was dripping with guilt.

"Whoa dude. Not the way. Look as lame as it sounds, try holding hands first. Like go to a movie or something and try. If he doesn't let go, that's a good sign, but I would let him kiss you first." Sav said to his friend, and then to himself he said, "This is weird."

"What's weird?" Eli has a mischievous look on his face.

"Oh you heard that eh?" Eli nodded. "Well, I never thought I would be giving guy advice to a guy about a guy who was born a 'girl.'" He even made little quote marks in the air with his finders when he said girl.

"I see your point."

Just then Holly J walked up to stand next to Sav. "Hello handsome."

"Hey," he said back to her before turning back toward Eli. "Remember what I said, The Beatles had it right and back off, but just a little."

"Got it man thanks," Eli answered, and then Sav and Holly J left him to his thoughts.

**Clare**

Clare and Adam ended up going to her place. They were silent on the walk there. The silence gave Clare time to think about what she was doing. On one hand she really wanted to help her friend(s) be happy, but on the other hand she still really liked Eli. But there were things about him that she just didn't think she could deal with, so why not help Adam figure out his feelings and possibly get them together? Besides her maybe ending up a little bit sad she couldn't think of a reason. That's why she found herself heading into her house and then her room with Adam, readying herself for some… challenging conversation. They got in the house and headed straight to her room.

"Mom! I'm heading to my room; I have a friend with me!" She turned to Adam, "Come on," she said as she lead the way to her room. They got there and he sat on her bed. Her room was kind of like what he imagined a Nunn's quarters who really likes pastels, heavily leaning toward pink, to look like. "Do you want something? A drink or something?"

"Uh, no, I'm fine."

"Ok," she said while smoothing down her pants and sitting down beside where Adam was sitting. "So, what has happened? And start at the beginning."

Adam told her everything, starting from the kiss after the dance.

"So, he kissed you, or tried to kiss you first after I broke up with him?"

"Maybe this wasn't such a good idea." He started to get up.

"No!" Clare put a hand on his shoulder to stop him from leaving. "I'm sorry, that was wrong of me. So he told you that he has liked you for a long time but thought that you wouldn't be interested because you are straight. Right?"

"Yeah."

"And now you think that maybe you are attracted to him but you're afraid to admit to yourself and other people that you might be kinda gay?"

"Yep, that about covers it."

"So, why are you having issues with maybe liking a guy?"

"Well, I'm already a big freak at Degrassi; do I really need any other reason?"

"If you do like him, then yes!"

"Well, fine, I'm not sure why or how he is into me."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, like is he really into me as a guy? Does he see me as a guy or…"

Just then there was a knock at the door and just as Clare was about to say something to the knocker, the door opened. It was Ali.

"Hello, now, Adam, did I just hear you wondering if Eli sees you as a guy?"

Adam just stared at her blankly.

"Ali, what are you doing here?"

"Hi Clare. You invited me, last night, remember? Anyway I was just at the Dot and I over heard Eli talking to my brother. Sav made some dumb comment about you," she gestured toward Adam, "being a girl. Eli lost it, really, I thought he was gonna kick Sav's ass!"

"Really?" Something in Adam's voice gave away the fact that that little bit of information made him hopeful, maybe even happy.

"Yes," Ali said as she pushed her way in-between Adam and Clare and focusing her attention on Adam. "And after I left the table I stayed nearby but hidden. Sav actually gave Eli advice on how to get you, it was actually good too. I think he loves you!" The smile on her face faltered slightly and she turned toward Clare. "Oh, Clare I'm sorry!"

"Don't be Ali, really. I'm here trying to do the same thing for Adam."

"Yeah, uh thanks girls, but I think I'm gonna go now," Adam said as he got up and headed toward the door.

"Are you sure Adam?" That came from Clare.

"Yeah, thanks really, I have a lot to think about and I may know what to do now."

"Ok," Clare said, "well call me if you need anything, ok?"

"Yeah, will do," he said as he walked out the door.

**Adam**

As I left Clare's place I breathed a sigh of relief. It was getting far too girly in there. That and I'm still confused but not nearly as much as I had been. I even knew what I had to do first. I walked slowly so my mind could wander as I went. I had come to the conclusion that I have to admit at least to myself that I may have feelings for Eli. He is hot; I don't generally think that of people that I'm not into at least a little bit. So there, I like Eli, a guy and my closest friend. I guess it isn't that scary really. Now acting on those feelings? Scary as hell. But I can only take one step at a time. Should I tell Eli that I'm kinda into him? Maybe, I'm sure he knows anyway, I did tell him about that dream I had. So maybe I tell him, if I do tell him I guess I just have to make it clear to him that I am nowhere near ready to do anything about it, really. Not physically for sure. Just as I thought that last bit I arrived at my destination. I breathed as deeply as I possibly could before knocking on the door in front of me. It opened and just as I hoped Eli answered.

"Hey," I said while trying to mentally scream at my heart to stop racing. "Look, I'm sorry about earlier. Can we talk?"

**Reviews don't make me sad. Quite the opposite really, even criticisms.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey, I am so sorry it took me so damn long to post this. There have been numerous reasons that it took so long, including a computer virus on my awesome beta, ILive4Irony's end. But hey here it is now! 7 should be coming soon too.**

**Thanks for all my reviewers, it means a lot that ya'll are loving this story. Continue telling me how you feel, it really makes my day!**

**Now I'll stop so we can get on with the story!**

**Adam**

Eli smirked at me before stepping aside to let me in. "Yeah, come in." We went to his room and I immediately sat on his desk chair so there could be no sitting next to me. He closed the door, crossed the room and sat on his bed. His room was pretty cool all plastered in band posters.

"So…" I started, I didn't really know what to say.

"So, why are you here?" Eli fixed me with a look that I couldn't quite figure out.

"Well," I said before taking a deep breath, then continuing. "First I wanted to apologize for running like that." He opened his mouth as if to speak and I put a hand up to stop him. "No, just let me get this all out, otherwise I don't know if I'll ever have the courage to say it later. So I'm sorry, I freaked. Thing is, part of me really wanted to kiss you, it's just that the other part of me so isn't ready for that. I just spent the last little while with Clare and Ali." He gave me a weird look. "I know, weird, but they helped a lot. Ali overheard you talking to Sav at The Dot. From what she overheard she gathered that you really like me. I like you too Eli, at least I think I do, but I know I'm not ready to be your boyfriend. I don't know if I ever will be, but the girls seem to think that I would be stupid if I didn't try. And I guess I agree with them."

He smiled at me and I melted a little. Damn I guess I really do like him. "I like the way those girls think. So, how do you want to do this?"

I just shrugged, I hadn't really thought that far ahead.

"How about we go out?"

"Like on a date?" Oh god, why is my heart beating harder now as it inches toward my throat?

"Yeah, we could catch a movie or something."

"Ok," I said while trying to mask my nerves.

"Ok?"

"Yeah, and we could get food too. That's like a date right?"

He chuckled, "yeah that's like a date."

"So… when?"

"How about tomorrow night?"

Oh my god this is really going to happen! "That'll work," I said in a voice that I hoped was calm but was pretty sure wasn't. Then I got up and started toward the door. "Cool so, I'll see you tomorrow."

"I'll pick you up around six?"

"Yeah," I said as I opened the door. "Bye."

"Bye Adam."

Before I closed the door I saw the cutest smile on his face.

The next day I was a mess. I tried to just be excited about my date but nerves just kept getting in the way. It was about five forty-five and I was opening the fridge for like the fifteenth time when Drew stopped me.

"Ok Adam, what's the deal? You have been freaking out all day."

Right then I had to make a decision, I had to decide how much I was gonna tell him. "I have a date tonight."

"Ha, ha, way to go bro!" He offered me his fist to pound. I did as I hoped that he would leave it at that. I should have known it was wishful thinking. "So who's the lucky girl?"

Shit. "Uh, you… don't… know… her?" I didn't mean for it to sound like a question, damn!

"What does she go to a different school or something?"

"No, look Drew, can we just drop it?"

"Why?"

"I, just, it's… complicated."

He looked at me stupidly for a few seconds before a strange look crossed his face.

"Oh man, it's Eli!"

"What? No!"

"You are so lying, you're going on a date with Eli!"

I didn't know what to say so I didn't say anything.

"So wait, does this mean you're gay now?"

"I don't know Drew. All I know right now is that I may be into Eli, just Eli not guys in general. Really even if I'm bi or what ever, I'm terrified."

"Because people already see you as a freak."

"How did you get to be so smart?"

"Hey I may not be all bookish like you, but you're my brother. I know you."

"Ok, then if you're so smart when it comes to me, what should I do?"

"You should go with it Adam, take it from someone who just royally screwed up his pretty awesome relationship. If you like him, then I say go for it. He see's you as a guy right?"

"Yes he does."

"Then screw everyone else. Anyway if you two end up together and people give you shit, you know I've got your back. Both yours and Eli's."

"Thanks Drew," I said and then he actually hugged me. Just then there was a knock at the door. "Shit, that's him!"

"Dude, Adam, breathe." I did, nice and slow. "Ok man, now go get him!" He pushed me toward the door and my fate, I mean date.

I opened the door and there was Eli looking hot as ever and I pretty much stopped breathing.

"Hello Adam," he said and I swear he was saying way more than that.

"Hey," I breathed at him. Then I willed my legs to work and after thinking really hard about it I started following him.

**Eli**

After picking Adam up, Eli drove them to the theatre. They decided that Adam would pay for the tickets and Eli would get the snacks and drinks. They sat almost directly in the middle of the theatre. Eli tried to push his nervousness aside but was finding it pretty hard to do that. He was worried that he would mess things up again, restraint isn't exactly a strong trait of his. About a quarter of the way through the movie he decided to make his move. He had noticed that Adam's hands were folded across his chest so he had to come up with a way to let Adam know that he wanted to hold his hand without just grabbing at it. Eli reached up to "brush my hair out of his face. When he put his hand back down he lay his forearm on the arm rest so that his fingertips lightly brushed Adam's thigh. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Adam look at his hand and then him. He smiled then looked at Adam. Just as he did, Adam looked away, so he decided to hint a little harder. He leaned his body toward Adam while putting his hand, palm up, on Adam's leg. _I hope this works_, he thought to himself. Eli looked at him just in time to catch Adam's eye as he looked back. Eli spread his fingers out and twitched his hand toward Adam's folded arms. Then he looked back into Adam's eyes and smiled a smile that he hoped said "it's ok." Adam unfolded his arms and put his hand right next to Eli's. Eli smiled and inched his fingers just enough so that their hands were just touching. Then Adam, after starting and stopping a few times, wrapped his hand around Elli's. Eli could feel Adam relax next to him as some of the built up tension left his body. Eli spared one more glance in Adam's direction and saw that he was smiling.

**Adam**

When Eli and I held hands in the theatre, my body felt as if a switch had been flipped and electricity started coursing through my veins instead of blood. At that moment I just couldn't deny anymore that I really like Eli. Sitting there like that I realized that I wanted to kiss him and that I kinda didn't want the feeling I was experiencing to end. Cause just then reality was gone. It pretty much stayed like that through the rest of the night. After the movie we went out to eat as planned. We talked about the movie and just stuff. It was nice because we already know each other so we didn't run out of things to talk about and I wasn't feeling so nervous anymore. We were nearing the end of dinner (Chinese) when the conversation turned to music.

"Eli, I need you to share some of your music collection with me. I don't know half of the bands you listen to but everything I've heard I like."

"Yeah, I can do that. Hey, when we leave do you wanna go for a drive? I could play you some stuff."

I smiled then and I'm not sure why, it just sort of happened. "Yeah, that would be cool."

We finished up our food, paid and headed out to Morty. We got in the car and suddenly my nerves were back. He put on some music and I just had to start talking.

"So, who is this?"

"Is the Dead Kennedy's, though if you want any of their stuff, get it from me. The "band" is still together minus the original lead singer. They lost something big when they lost Jello."

"Jello?"

"Yeah the original lead of the band's name is Jello Biafra."

"Huh."

"Yeah, he's awesome."

I just listened to the lyrics for a while. They were really politically charged and the whole sound was great. After a while of just driving around we stopped. I looked around and realized we were at the park.

Eli turned toward me, "wanna go for a walk?"

"Sure," as soon as I said it part of me wished I hadn't cause here come those nerves again.

We started walking along a trail and it wasn't long before my hand was in his again. My heart felt like it was swelling so big that it might just burst right out of my chest. We came to a bench and sat. I looked at him and had to shake myself to make sure that I hadn't actually turned into a puddle.

"So, Eli?"

"Yeah?"

Oh god how did my heart make it into my throat? "I just," suddenly I realized that I had started leaning toward him. "I, wanted to tell you…" our faces are so close now, a large breath would push us together. "I had a…" I whispered, and then I closed the tiny distance between our mouths.

**Review please?**


	7. Chapter 7

**Sorry for the wait. My beta had been having some technical difficulties, so I gave in and posted this un-beta'd. So blame me if there are mistakes.**

**Thanks to ILive4Irony417 who betas for me usually, cause she puts up with my crazy, like posting stuff un-beta'd cause I get all wacky. Also thank you to all my reviewers, I love that so many people are liking this SO much!**

**Degrassi is NOT mine, duh.**

**On with the story, enjoy!**

**Adam**

As soon as my lips touched his, it was like thousands of little electric currents were racing through my body. The kiss was chaste at first, then just a slight opening of our mouths before we pulled apart. I opened my eyes to see him smiling at me and I returned his smile. That first kiss felt so good I found myself wanting more. As I leaned into him I put one hand in his hair and the other on his back as I brought my lips to his again. Tentatively brushed my tongue against his lips. He opened his mouth, joining his tongue with mine as he too wrapped his arms around me. We kissed like that, exploring each others mouths for what felt like forever and a second at the same time. When we pulled apart I was out of breath.

"Wow," I breathed. I was so high from kissing him that I didn't even have any time to feel silly or stupid.

"Yeah," he whispered in response before moving in toward me again. "I have wanted this for so long," and then we were kissing again. The sound of someone approaching had us jumping apart. We looked around and saw that it was just someone jogging on the trail nearby.

It was weird, I didn't notice until I saw the jogger, but my heart was racing. Not just from the kiss though, the thought that we could have been seen freaked me out too. I looked at Eli and knew I was in trouble. I really liked him and now that we had kissed I didn't think I could ignore it any longer.

"So," I said, getting nervous again. "What now?"

Eli chuckled. "It's up to you Adam, I think I've been pretty clear about what I want."

I thought pretty hard about what I wanted. Well, I wanted to kiss him more and more and I really enjoy hanging out with him, but… "Well, Eli, I like you and that kiss was amazing."

"But?"

I smiled at him. "I don't think I'm ready to be boyfriends, or out about…" I wasn't sure what to call what was happening. "Us."

He grinned at me. "So we aren't together, but we are an us?"

I blushed, furiously. "Well, I don't know, maybe?"

"So what does that mean?"

Shit, I have no real idea.. Why am I so against having a boyfriend? Because of other people knowing and having yet another reason to hate me. Well… if nobody knows then…

"Ok so that is weird. Dating you is not the problem, really. It's the possibility of other people finding out."

He smirked. "Well, I'm ok with us being a secret. For now at least. I'd be lying if I said I could lie about us indefinitely. But at first, so you can figure things out and we can decide if its serious enough or not to be out. That would be ok."

"So, does that mean…"

"I guess we're dating, if that's ok with you."

"I don't know, can I get back to you?"

He chuckled a little. "Yeah, you can get back to me."

"Ok, so uh, maybe we should uh…. Go?"

"Or we could make out," he said while smirking at me in that sexy way he does.

"Uh… I … I… well…."

He chuckled again. "Calm down Adam, I'm just messing with you, we can go now."

I punched him in the shoulder, "rude, man. Really not cool."

"Let's go," he stood up and offered me his hand.

I ignored his hand and got up on my own. He shrugged as he turned and headed toward his car.

**Clare**

Claire was on her bed reading Dead Janitor's Club when her phone rang. She grabbed it and saw that it was Adam. "Hey Adam."

"Hey Clare, can we talk?"

"Yeah, sure, what's up?"

"Well it has to do with Eli and well me, so…"

"Yes Adam, I told you, you could talk to me, even about him."

"Ok, well, crap. Do you wanna come over?"

"Sure, I'll be there in a few."

"Cool," he said, then she hung up and grabbed a hoodie and headed out.

She took her bike and made it there in about ten minutes. Adam's mom let her in and called up the stairs to let him know that Clare was there. She headed up the stairs and just as she was getting to Adam's room, he opened the door and ushered her in. They sat together on the bed. For a while they sat there in silence, Adam fidgetting with the hem of his shirt.

"Ok, Adam, you are driving me crazy! Talk already!"

He looked at her. "Sorry. So," he began, then took a deep breath before continuing. "Eli and I went out earlier, on a date. It was great, we saw a movie and stuff then we ended up at the park and we… Well we kissed."

"Yeah?" Clare was torn between being happy for her friends and being hurt that it wasn't her kissing Eli. But she is the one who ended things with him, and she did tell Adam to go for it so… "How was it?"

Adam smiled, "it was amazing, but that's not the point, I don't know what to do now."

"What's not to know? Are you two boyfriends now?"

"That's the problem. He wants to be, but I'm not sure."

"Adam, you really can be exasperating sometimes you know that?" She continued, not really expecting an answer. "You like him, he likes you, you shared an amazing kiss, what could you possibly not be sure of?"

He shrugged. "There are people who call me tranny and he/she at school and it sucks. I don't know if I'm ready to add fag to the list of slurs that apply to me."

"You know what? I don't think I'm who you need to be talking to. You see a therapist right, for your gender stuff?"

"Yeah."

"Well maybe you could talk to them, or have you ever gone to the LGBT group at school?" He shook his head. "Well, I think you need to talk to both maybe. I think it would really help you especially to talk to other gay kids, whether you are gay or not. The thing is, you like a boy so you are probably at least a little gay. So talking to someone who has been through it might help. I can tell you to go for it and just be happy all I want, but the fact is, I have no idea what that really means." She thought for a moment before adding to what she said. "Your brother is on the football team right?" Adam nodded again. "Well, maybe he can help, like maybe he could introduce you to Riley and or Zane. They maybe could help you make up your mind."

Adam smiled at her. "Thanks Clare, you're awesome."

**Eli**

Eli was flying high after his date with Adam. After so many failed attempts, he almost couldn't believe that they had actually kissed. Sure Adam is still being kind of weird, but now that they had had a great date and shared that kiss, he knows he'll come around. He was buzzing after the date and he really didn't want to go home so he headed to the Dot. When He walked in he saw Sav.

"Hey, Sav," he called out to his friend.

Sav looked up and nodded at Eli. "Hey."

"Dude, aren't you grounded?"

"Yeah, but I'm a master of coming up with ways to get around that fact."

"Nice," Eli nodded approvingly.

"So, what's up? You look all stupid, things working out with Adam?"

Eli smiled. "Is it that obvious?"

"Dude, you look like, I don't know, but you have this stupid grin on your face."

"Well, I did what you said, we went out and I let him make the moves."

"Yeah, and?"

"It totally worked man, thanks!"

"So you got your kiss?"

"Hey man I don't kiss and tell."

"That would be a yes," Sav smiled at his friend. "Well I'm glad it worked out. S are you to together now?"

"That's where it gets tricky. He still isn't sure so I'm waiting. I'm pretty sure he'll come around though."

"Cool, but correct me if I'm wrong, I feel like there's a but there."

"How did you get to be so smart?"

"I am a grade ahead of you."

"Ha Ha."

"So what is the but?"

"Well, now I'm not sure, you know once we're together… Like I don't really know much about trans people and all that. I mean I can guess about some things, but, I don't know."

"Ok, I may be cool with you two, but I don't think I could handle it if you went any further on this subject." Eli nodded. "But really, what do you think the internet is for?"

"Wow, now there you go being smart again. Or maybe I'm just being stupid."

"So stop being dense and go get on the internet." He shooed Eli away who shook his head but did head out the door.


	8. Chapter 8

**Hello y'all, sorry for the delay, my lovely beta ILive4Irony417 has been ill. Thank you to her for being awesome and putting up with my crazy. Thank you to everyone who has reviewed! You make me smile! Enough of that**

**Degrassi is not mine, but this story is!**

**Adam**

The next day I decided to approach Drew. I was nervous as hell. I'm not quite sure why because he is generally cool. I just… well really I don't know. I seem to be nervous a lot these days. I was sitting in my room, trying to gather up the courage to go talk to him when he took care of that for me. There was a knock at the door. It kinda freaked me out and I hit my head on my headboard. I got up and answered the door while rubbing my noggin.

Drew was at the door. "Hey," he said as he pushed his way into the room.

"Come on in," I said, a little exasperated.

"Sorry, can I come in?"

"Well you already did, so yeah. What's up?"

He took a deep breath. "Ok so mom and dad are going to whistler today ya know?"

"Yeah, so?"

"So some of the guys from the team talked me into having a party." His voice got lower as the sentence went on.

At first I thought how crazy he was, then I realized that it could work to my advantage. "That's great Drew!"

"Wait, what? You aren't pissed?"

"Well I was for a minute, then I realized that your party may work in my favor. Will Riley and Zane be coming?"

A look of recognition crossed his face. "Yeah they're invited. So ok, then I need you to help."

"Sure, what do you want me to do?"

"Man the phone, in case mom or dad call. Also, help keep peace and help with the clean up."

"Cool," I smiled, we may be close but he has never treated me like I was cool enough for, well anything really. "So when is this shindig starting?"

"Seven, the rents are supposed to be leaving around five, so I figure they will be gone for sure by then. Uh, do you wanna invite anyone? I don't know, like… Eli maybe?"

I laughed, "Thanks, maybe I will."

I went over what I would say to Riley and Zane over and over in my head right up until seven o'clock. When people started arriving I found myself getting nervous. At first most of the people who showed were kids that I recognized but didn't know. I was trying not to pace. Not only because it would make me look like a bigger freak than I already am in some other's eyes, but because the cordless phone was in one of the cargo pockets of my pants. I don't really know why I was getting so nervous. Ok so that's a lie. How was I going to do this? I couldn't just walk up to them and be like, 'So, do you think I should date a guy?' also that wasn't really what I wanted to ask, exactly. I was so wrapped up in my head that I didn't notice that the two people I wanted to see had shown up.

They had stopped across the room from me, both of them leaning against the wall. Zane looked completely relaxed while Riley seemed like he was on edge a little. I took a steadying breath and headed toward them.

"Hey," I said while feeling like I must look like I was obviously freaking out.

Zane smiled at me and I couldn't help but notice how good looking he is. Damn, I guess I must be queer. "Hey," both of them replied.

Then Zane said, "You're Drew's little brother, right?"

I smiled back. "Yeah…uh…can I talk to you guys?"

They looked at each other, then both smiled at me. "Sure," Zane answered. "What's up?"

"Uh…" I said while jerking my head in the direction of the front door.

They both nodded that they understood and pushed off the wall to follow me. I took them out to the front porch because I figured it was the best place not to be overheard. I shut the door behind us and turned to face them. They stared at me expectantly and I suddenly couldn't talk around the lump that had formed in my throat.

Riley spoke up first. "Adam, right?" I nodded. "I think I might know what you want to talk to us about." He stepped closer to me. "Do you think you might be gay?"

I breathed a sigh of relief. "Yes, maybe, but it's more about being into one person. He wants us to be together, but I'm terrified."

Riley smiled at me. "Believe me man, I know. I had to turn into a homophobe and almost lose Zane before I was comfortable coming out. Honestly I didn't even come out on purpose at first. But now," he took Zane's hand in his, "now I feel pretty good."

I smiled somewhat uneasily at him. "Yeah, but the thing is… it's complicated." I shook my head. "Maybe talking to you two wasn't the best idea."

"No," said Riley, "I think it was a great idea. It helps to have people who get you when you're going through this stuff."

He was being so sweet, I didn't think I could tell him how wrong he was. I looked down at my feet, trying to come up with what to say next when Zane spoke up.

"But, that isn't it, is it?" I shook my head. "You're trans, right?"

I suddenly felt so much better. I kind of assume that most of Degrassi knows about me, but I have been figuring out that that isn't true for all. I was glad that Zane knew, that way I didn't have to explain that part.

"Yeah…"

"Wait, what?"

Zane turned toward his boyfriend. "Transgender or transsexual really, right?." Riley just looked confused. Zane looked at me as if asking permission, I nodded. "Adam was assigned the female gender at birth based on his physical sex. But he has always known he is a guy." then he looked back at me. "Right?"

"Yeah and after some people at school found out, I'm scared to be gay or even bi now because I don't know if I can deal with being messed with for that as well as my gender."

Zane stepped away from Riley and placed a hand on my shoulder. "The question here is, do you like this guy. Like, really?"

I blushed against my own will. "Yeah, I tried not to but we went out yesterday and… damn he is an amazing kisser. Plus he is a close friend, so I already know what we have in common. I'm just so scared."

"Look Adam, no matter how hard it is to be with him, do you really think you can deny that you are attracted to guys forever? Or even until you graduate? If it isn't this friend of yours who's to say you won't end up getting interested in another guy?"

"Crap, yeah I guess you are right, plus he sees me as a guy. Though truthfully that is part of my problem. If we do get together, then what do I do when things start getting physical?"

"Adam, I can't answer that, but maybe you could come to the LGBT meetings at school. You may be surprised to know that you aren't the only kid at Degrassi who is trans in some way. Also, I hope I'm not over stepping here, but are you seeing a therapist as a part of your transition?"

"Yeah. I have to do that and live as a guy for a year or so before I can start T."

Riley piped up then. "T?"

"Testosterone," both Zane and I answered.

We all stood there in silence for a while. I started thinking about what all had been said. Maybe I should get over myself and just be with Eli. Really, its not like we have to be out to everyone… We all filed back into the house then.

I turned toward them. "Thanks guys, I have to do something now." That's when I made up my mind and pulled out my phone as I headed to my room.

**Eli**

Eli had been on the internet late into the night and early into the morning. He found so much stuff it was hard to process. There were trans guys doing informational videos on You Tube and there were tons of message boards. There were even a bunch of message boards all about gay (or bi) trans gays. He found stuff about binding and pee devices and information on surgeries It was pretty cool. In a weird way he felt like he could understand Adam a little more now. Though obviously not tons because nothing that he read was all about Adam as an individual.

It was the early evening and Eli was beginning to worry that Adam had chickened out again and wasn't going to call him. It took every ounce of will power that he had for him not to just call. He filled up his day by doing whatever he could think of to help keep his mind off of Adam. The problem with that is that everything seemed to remind him of the boy. He played video games, which helped for a little while. Then he moved on to reading comics, then books, but no matter what he did, Adam would not leave his brain. If he could come up with something to do that Adam isn't into too, that might work. But what?

"Damn Eli get a hold of yourself!" _Shit, now I'm talking to myself, _he thought. Then he knew what to do. Go for a drive. He headed out, calling to his folks on his way. He hopped into Morty and put on one of his favorite mixes and started the car. As the sound of The Used came out if the speakers he relaxed a little and just focused on driving. For a while he just drove around aimlessly. Then without even meaning to he found himself driving by Adam's place. He was surprised to see that it looked like a party was going on there. Amazingly enough, he didn't freak. He pulled around the corner and parked out of sight. He sat for a minute and thought about what he had just seen. Why would Adam have a party and not invite him? They are friends above anything else, right? Then he thought that it was probably Drew's party and maybe he didn't let Adam invite anyone. But somehow that didn't make sense because, even though he doesn't really know Drew, everything Adam has told him about his step brother suggests that he wouldn't do that.

Eli pulled out his phone and stared at it, trying to decide if he should call Adam or not. Just when he had decided that he was being silly, NOFX started blaring out of it accompanied by a picture of Adam.

"Hey," he answered, trying not to sound weird.

"Hey, uh, I know this is kinda out of the blue, but want to come over? My folks are gone and Drew is having a party. So yeah, do you want to come?"

Eli smiled to himself. "Yeah, I'll be right over." He hung up and Eli leaned back in the seat and cranked up the radio. He couldn't just show up looking like a stalker, which he realized he was kinda being. Stalkerish. So he just sat there and thought about the possible whys of his late invite. He couldn't really come up with anything so he just focused on the music. A fabulous Disaster song came on and he started banging his head and drumming on his lap. He sang along through the whole song until he decided enough time had passed. He started the car and went the long way around the block before parking across the street. When he got there Adam was outside waiting.

He smiled. "Hey," he said while reaching out a hand to Eli.

Eli took the last step up and grabbed Adam's hand. Adam looked around before pulling him into a kiss.

"Hey," Eli whispered, a smile spreading across his face.

"Come on, lets go to my room," Adam said while dropping Eli's hand and pushing open the door.

_His room, _Eli thought to himself. _What could THAT mean? _Feeling slightly confused and rater anxious, he followed his friend (hopefully boyfriend) into the house and up toward his bedroom. _This could get interesting__._


	9. Chapter 9

**Whoa, look at that two chapters in as many days! Unfortunately 10 will take a little longer to get to you as I have yet to get in on my puter.**

**Many thanks to ILive4Irony417 my fabulous beta and to all my fans, especially those who review!**

**Degrassi still isn't mine.**

**Adam**

Talking with and seeing Zane and Riley together gave me courage. I led Eli to my room, knowing just what I was going to do. Which was nice, since I hadn't had a clue really what I was doing the past few days. I held the door to my room open for him, then stepped inside, closing it behind me. He sat on my bed and looked at me expectantly. I took a moment to compose myself before approaching him. I sat next to him, taking his hand in mine, then I leaned in and kissed him. Suddenly the butterflies that had been in my stomach burst out to flutter all over my body. I wrapped my arms around him and deepened the kiss. We continued kissing as we lay back on the bed. After a while we broke the kiss and found ourselves out of breath.

Eli smiled at me. "So, what was that for?"

"Well, that was a kiss for my," I couldn't believe I was really gonna say it…, "boyfriend. That is, if you still want to be with me."

"Well in that case," he said as he sat up. I just lay there for a moment, staring at his back, not knowing what to do. Then he turned around, a huge smile on his face.

I sat up and punched him in the shoulder. "Jerk."

He grabbed my fist and pulled me to him, crashing his lips against mine. "Of course I want you silly," he whispered.

"Yeah?"

"I said so, didn't I?"

I pulled back from him. "Yes you did." I smiled at him before continuing. "So now that we're together, I have a few… guidelines…"

"Guidelines?"

"Yeah, I'm still not ready to be out, but I can't deny that I want to be with you. Is that ok?"

"For now. Then we'll just have to see what happens, eh?"

"Yeah…" We just sat there for a moment looking at each other, until suddenly I snapped out of the trance I was in. "We should get back to the party."

"Yes, but first I have a question."

"Ok, what?"

"We aren't going to be out about us, but can we tell at least some people?"

"Well," I smiled, "there are two people here who most likely know and one who may figure it out, us being up here alone."

"Oh really? Who?"

"Well I talked to Zane and Riley and Drew knows that we went on a date… so…"

"I see. Well, you will be telling Clair, right?"

I shrugged. "Yeah I guess. She will be asking me I'm sure and I don't want to lie."

"Ok, and Sav will be asking me I'm sure. So four, maybe five people?"

"That'll do, we just have to make sure that they all know that mums the word."

He laughed. "Yeah ok, lets go."

We headed back into the party and I had to fight not to hold his hand. It was a little after 8:00 and I noticed that beer had made an appearance at the party. I guess it shouldn't be a surprise really, but for some reason it was. I searched for a moment before finding my brother.

"Drew, beer!"

"Oh come on Adam, it's a party!"

"Ok, well if you or anyone else pukes, you're cleaning it up, deal?"

He reached out to shake my hand. "Deal." Then he turned to walk away. "You hear that people, no puking!"

I just shook my head and smiled, there wasn't anything else I could do really.

I hadn't even noticed that Eli wasn't with me until he came walking up to me. A beer in one hand, a pop in the other. "Here," he said as he handed me the pop.

"So, you're drinking too?"

"Well yeah, at least a beer or two."

I smiled at him. "Am I total loser with my coke?"

He smirked and leaned closer to me. "No Adam, you aren't a _total_ loser!" he chuckled.

I punched him in the shoulder. "Shut up!"

"So," Eli and I turned to see who had spoken. It was Zane, with Riley standing beside him. He leaned toward us. "Is this the guy?" He asked, his voice just loud enough for only us to hear.

Eli spoke up, his voice just above a whisper. "If you mean am I the new secret boyfriend, then yes."

Riley clapped Adam on the back. "Right on man."

We just smiled at them and stood there kind of awkwardly for a while until Zane pulled Riley off to some other part of the house.

Eli turned toward me, "I'm gonna get a beer."

"You're already done with the first one?"

"Yeah, relax Adam, I'll be fine," he said, then he was gone.

I just stood back and watched the people. There were a few couples making out, some people playing a drinking game, I've Never, I think and a group huddled around the TV. Everyone else was just standing around talking. I stood there watching and thinking how strange it was that I just started a new relationship and only two (four if you include me and Eli) people knew about it. I looked at the couples making out or even just holding hands and felt something weird. Was that longing? I shook my head and tried to shake that feeling. I wasn't going to go back on any of my decisions. I refused to. I like Eli. I have to give this a try and I'm so not ready to be out about it. I mean, what if it's some weird fluke? I don't want to come out as gay or even bi only to realize that I'm not. Though I find that highly unlikely, but still. I was so deep in thought that I didn't notice that my boyfriend (wow, I have a boyfriend!) had come back.

"Earth to Adam!"

I looked at him and smiled, "Hey."

"Where were you just then?"

"Nowhere, just thinking."

He gave me an assessing look before pulling me over to the TV. When we got there I saw that the crowd was because of Rock Band. The song that the group that was up was playing was just about over. Eli looked at me.

"What do you say we show then how awesome we are?"

"I'm in," I said as I walked up to the keytar.

"Dude, that's hard," some guy I didn't recognize said.

"Yeah, I know," I smiled at him.

Eli took over the drums and soon we were playing Just Like A Dream by The Cure. Eli and I both were playing on hard, everyone else (even the singer) were playing on easy or medium. When the song was over, both Eli and I had scored 99%. Everyone around just looked at us like we were Gods. It was awesome. We continued to play and Eli continued to drink. After a while we decided to call it quits to some moans from the other players.

"Sorry all," I said as I got up and got ready to move on. Just then Drew came up.

"Hey everyone, I'm going to have to ask everyone to leave." There was a collective groan but people started leaving anyway.

I looked over to Eli and saw that he was starting to sway and was looking a little green. So I sat him down, then went to go help my brother usher everyone else out. Once they were gone I went back to Eli who looked like he might start drooling any minute. He smiled weakly at me.

"You ok?"

"Yeah, I guess I drank a bit too much."

"You aren't going to puke are you?"

"Nah."

"Ok, well what do you need?"

"Water and food, bread or pasta. Potatoes will work too."

I looked at him like he was crazy, but headed toward the kitchen anyway. "Mashed potatoes ok?"

"Yeah, with a little bit of butter and salt."

I got to the kitchen and found the box of instant mashed potatoes. I started the water boiling then headed back out to him, glass of water in hand.

"You think you can make it to my room?" He nodded. "Cool, go get in bed." I went back to the kitchen while he headed up to my room. After the potatoes were done, I grabbed another glass of water and a slice of bread for good measure. When I entered my room I found Eli propped up on my pillows, the covers pulled up around him. "Here you go," I said as I sat his food and drink on the nightstand. "Sleep well." I turned to leave but was stopped by him calling my name. I turned back around. "Yeah?"

"Don't go, come here." he patted the spot next to him.

"I'm not sleeping with you." He raised an eyebrow. "I mean, you know, I'm going to sleep on the couch. I may be cool with you being my boyfriend, but I'm really not ready to sleep in the same bed."

He smiled at me. "I know, I just don't want you to leave yet."

I smiled back and moved to sit next to him. I sat and he pulled me to him, claiming my mouth with his. He tasted different than before, but it wasn't bad, probably because of the potatoes and water. Before I could protest (if I would have) he had pulled me down on the bed. He moved his mouth from my lips to kiss a trail across my jaw and down to my neck. His hands tangled themselves in my hair and he moaned against my skin. It felt so good that rational thought completely left me. I pulled his mouth back up to mine after shoving him down and climbing on top of him. Everything was fine until his hands moved. First they trailed down my sides until his fingers brushed my bare skin. I hadn't realized that my shirt had moved that much. I froze for a moment and Eli took the hint.

"Its ok," he whispered against my lips before kissing me sweetly while moving his hands to my ass.

At first I thought that would be fine, but boy was I wrong! When things heated back up, he grabbed my ass, pushing while thrusting his pelvis up. I freaked. I jumped off him as if he had suddenly caught fire.

"Adam, I…"

"No, don't say anything. I… um… I'm gonna go," I stammered as I clambered off the bed.

He sat up. "Wait Adam," he pleaded.

"You know, I'm really beat, so yeah, sweet dreams," I mumbled before stooping to kiss him goodnight so he knows that I don't plan on running. I headed toward the door, he just sat there, speechless. I turned as I opened the door. "Goodnight Eli," I smiled at him. "I'll see you in the morning. Then I left and headed down to the couch where I fell into an uneasy sleep.

**Review please? It'll make me smile!**


	10. Chapter 10

**Thank you to all my readers, especially those who take the time to review! I'll admit, I wasn't sure how well this story would be recived, so I'm glad y'all like it!**

**Little warning for this chapter, Adam displays some eating disorder behavior and it may come up again, sorry in advance if anything I write is triggering.**

**I do not own Degrassi unless you count the few seasons on dvd...**

**Adam**

I woke the next morning and was intensely glad that Nobody else was up. I crept up to my room and as quietly as possible found a pair of sweats, a beater, a T-shirt, socks and tennis shoes. Eli moved and made a noise and I froze. I stared at him hard until I was satisfied that he was sound asleep. Then I crept back out of the room and headed to the bathroom. I bound, then dressed and headed out to go for a run. The air outside was chilly and I loved the way that each time I inhaled it kinda hurt. As I ran my mind was flooded with thoughts of what had happened last night when I freaked out. I guess it was naïve of me to think that I had time before I'd have to worry about the physical stuff. Kissing him is great and in no way the problem, the problem is, well, my lack of a penis. The second I felt Eli hard against me, I freaked. Not because I don't want him or anything, but because he should have been feeling the same thing from me. Obviously he wasn't. If I'm his boyfriend shouldn't I be able to give him that? All I could think of is how I'm not fucking complete, how it doesn't matter how much of a guy I am between the ears, or how well I pass, I will never have a dick. Not one that is attached at least. I have done my research and the surgeries that exist for trans guys suck. I know I want top surgery, but I'm pretty sure I'll opt out of bottom surgery. It really pisses me off and just makes me feel like such a freak. Most of the time I'm ok, until I'm confronted with something that reminds me of my… inadequacies. I in no way want to call things off with Eli, I just don't really know how to talk to him about this. I mean, he's a guy all the way inside and out so he will never personally have to deal with this. Plus I know he says he sees me as a guy, but if we ever go there, how could he? How could he see me naked and still see me as his boyfriend? Maybe it was stupid of me to think I could do this. Being with a girl would end up being hard enough, but a guy? God, I am so stupid! Stupid body, stupid Eli for being hot and nice and a fantastic kisser! AAAAAAAHHHHHH!

I just kept on running until every muscle in my body was screaming at me to stop. I bent over, putting my hands on my knees and working on catching my breath. When I finally had calmed my breathing down, I stood up and looked around to figure out where I was. I had been so deep in my thoughts while I ran that I hadn't paid attention to where I was going. I looked around and realized that I was right by Clair's place. I briefly contemplated going to talk to her, then thought better of it, she was not the person to talk to about sex. I took a deep breath and turned around to head back home. I couldn't think of anything else to do. I tried to come up with a way to talk with Eli and have it not be ridiculously awkward. I couldn't come up with anything, which sucked. I really didn't want to have any conversation about all this. Maybe that was it, maybe I can just tell him that I need some time to think before we talk about it. I hope he'll be ok with that cause I just can't deal right now. Despite my unwillingness to get back home, I jogged back. More because it made me feel good to be exercising, doing something concerning my body that I had control over.

Soon I arrived back home and grudgingly entered the house. I breathed a sigh if relief because the house was quiet, both Drew and Eli were still asleep. I busied myself with cleaning up what little evidence of the party was left. When I was done I went to take a shower. About fifteen minutes later I was dressed and clean and still the only one awake. So I went downstairs and settled myself on the couch with a book. As I tried to read I was distracted by my worry and dread of the coming talk with Eli. Dammit I wish I had someone to talk to, I feel like things would be easier sometimes if I knew any other trans people. I went on reading and thinking for the next twenty minutes or so until I heard someone moving around upstairs. I took a deep breath, put down my book and headed upstairs. I went into my room and Eli wasn't there, but I could hear him in the bathroom so I sat on the bed and waited for him. As I listened to the toilet flush and the sink turn on and off, I started getting nervous. I heard the bathroom door open and close and soon Eli stumbled into my room. When he saw me sitting on the bed he smiled, then his expression fell a little.

"Good morning," I smiled back at him, hoping to ease the confusion and weirdness.

"Morning Adam," he said as he sat next to me, turning so we were facing each other. "Look, about last night-"

"I'm sorry."

"Wait, why? I'm the one who should be sorry, if I hadn't been drunk I would have never tried to take it there so soon. I'm sorry."

This has got to be too good to be true. "Well I accept your apology Eli." I gave him a huge smile and squeezed his thigh. "But I owe you one too, maybe not for last night, but lets call it an advanced apology."

"Ok, what's up?"

"Well, I'm not totally ready to talk about everything now, but last night wasn't just about it being too soon. Me freaking out I mean." He nodded as if to say, 'go on.' "Well I don't really know how to talk about it, so I'm just gonna say, I need some time." There I said it.

"Ok, what does that mean?"

"I mean, kissing is fine, but anything else will have to wait. I… just… I can't say now. Can we just drop it?" He gave me a skeptical look, then nodded. I took a deep breath, so far everything was going really well. Lets hope that continues. "Also, I think I just wanna be alone for a while."

I could see his disappointment, even though he tried to hide it. "Yeah, ok. Look, I'm sorry again, I didn't mean to freak you out."

I pulled him to me and kissed him, trying to convey to him that this was about my crazy and not him. "I'll call you later, k?"

"Ok, sounds good," he said as he stood up and started gathering all his things. I watched him and was overcome with excitement and a little bit of fear, that hot, hot guy is my boyfriend _and_ he's being really cool about my freak out! I didn't want to think he was too good to be true, but… Whatever, I need to get those thoughts out of my head so I can figure out how the physical stuff is going to work. I'm pretty sure he'll wait for as long as I need, but I don't know how long I'll really be able to keep that up. I am a teenager after all. I stood and went to him just as he was about to open the door and pulled him to me into a knee weakening kiss.

"I'm not gonna totally freak out this time, ok? I want us to be together, its just gonna be a little complicated, more than I thought."

He smirked at me and I suddenly wished I wasn't so freaked by the sex idea. "Ok Adam, I'll talk to you later," he pulled me into another kiss that left my heart racing. "Bye," he whispered against my lips before turning and disappearing down the hall. Boy this is gonna be hard!

**Eli**

As he left Adam's place he was thoroughly confused. If Adam didn't freak out cause he's not ready to get too physical, then why did he? Was it because he was making out with a guy? Is he having second thoughts about being in this relationship? Eli was so full of crazy thoughts that he didn't know what to do. He had been sitting in his car, hand on his keys in the ignition but he had yet to start the car. So much of him wanted to go back inside and get Adam to talk, but he knew that would be the wrong move. So instead, there he was sitting in his car not moving. He felt like he had to talk to someone, but who? Sav probably couldn't handle any kind of sex talk about him and Adam, Clair was out of the question and talking to his folks would just be weird. So what the hell could he do? Honestly he wanted to talk to his best friend, but his best friend was now his boyfriend and the very reason he so desperately needed to talk to somebody or something! Someone walked past and he decided that he should go. He probably looked like a creeper sitting there in Morty. So finally he started the car and was off. He decided to put on some music and just drive around for a while. He cranked up the music and tried thinking on his dilemma some more. He just couldn't find a reason why Adam freaked out the way he did, other that things moving too fast. So he decided to go over what exactly they had been doing when Adam freaked. It was difficult because he had been drunk at the time. Of course he remembered kissing, then Adam climbed on top of him. At some point he ended up accidentally touching Adam's side and he froze. Eli remembers telling him that it was ok and moving his hand to his ass instead, then… The music he had been listening to was a mix of a bunch of stuff which included a few songs by Nine Inch Nails. He was thinking this when he all of a sudden started paying attention to the song that was playing. It was Closer and as he listened to the words, _you let me penetrate you… I want to feel you from the inside… _Then it dawned on him. Adam jumped away from him when he ground his hips into Adam's. He didn't freak because it was going too far, or at least not exactly, he freaked because he became self conscious about his lack of a certain appendage. He immediately turned around and headed to his house. He thought he had finally come up with something to do. He remembered running across some things while searching online about trans guys and sex. Other than porn even, so he decided to look them up. At least that way he was doing something other than worrying and wondering, right?

**Adam**

Almost as soon as Eli left, I got out my laptop to see if the internet could help me. I typed trans sex into the search engine and was bombarded with porn. I snapped it shut so fast. I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself. That was just probably not the best words to type. So I opened the computer back up and tried again. This time I typed in trans guys sex, I hit enter and squeezed my eyes shut, waiting. When I opened them I was pleased to see that there were lots of things and very little porn! I even found a site for gay and bi trans guys that was pretty awesome. The organization is even based in Ontario. I ended up staying on that site most of the day, until there was a knock at the door.

I closed my laptop then hollered, "come in!"

Drew came in, a concerned look on his face. "Hey bro, you ok?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Well, Eli left looking bewildered-"

"Bewildered?" I gave him a 'do you even know what that means' look.

"Yes, and you've been in your room all day, I'm pretty sure you went for a run this morning and you haven't eaten a thing. So what's up?"

I sighed, my brother knew me too damn well. "Nothing I'm gonna talk to you about Drew."

"Oh come on Adam, don't be like that!"

"Its nothing really, just… boyfriend troubles."

He smiled, "so you two are official now?"

"Yeah."

"But…"

"But what?"

"Well, you said you were having boyfriend troubles, so I'm guessing there's a but."

"Yeah, well I don't think you want to talk about it."

"Oh come on Adam, just cause I'm not gay or what ever doesn't mean I can't talk to my brother when he's having issues."

I sighed, already regretting what I was about to say. "You really want to know?"

"I said I did."

"Well, we were making out last night…" I trailed off because the look on his face clearly said that he couldn't handle this. "See Drew? I told you."

"Yeah I guess your right, sorry bro."

"Its ok, it'll be fine."

"You sure? I could try."

"Thanks Drew, but really, I'm just as uncomfortable talking to you about this as you are about hearing it."

"Cool, well, you should eat something."

"Shut up drew."

"Just saying…" Then he was gone.

I sat back in my chair and breathed a huge sigh, then got back to my… research. When did my life get so damn weird?

**Reviews?**


	11. Chapter 11

**Hey everyone! I know I've been away for far too long. My life got a little scary, I was super down and just stopped writing. S sorry, but I'm back now and I intend to NEVER leave y'all hanging for that long again! I know this is a short chapter, but I'm working on the next one now! Thanks to all my readers whether you review or not, especially thank you for not hunting me down and doing unspeakable things to me until I put up more chapters! Also thanks to Ilive4Irony417 who is back as my beta! You ROCK!**

**Degrassi really is not mind, duh.**

**Adam**

After a while of searching I decided that I had found all I could or cared to. I laid back on my bed and must have fallen asleep be cause suddenly a knock at the door woke me. I rolled onto my side and mumbled, "Come in." There was another knock. "Come in!" This time I nearly shouted. The door opened and my mom stepped in. "Hey mom," I said as I sat up.

"Hello Adam."

"How was the trip?"

"It was good, but that isn't what I want to talk about right now."

"Ok, what do you want to talk about?"

"Well," she started, her eyes looking down at her hands, "Drew told me that you haven't eaten all day and you went for a run this morning."

"Yeah…" That ass, I am so gonna have to talk to him later.

"Yeah, that's all you have to say?"

"Well, yeah mom, what do you want me to say?"

She folded her arms across her chest. "Maybe talk to me. You used to talk to me."

"Yeah, well that was before… Look mom I will talk to you, I just can't right now."

"Can't, or won't?"

"I guess a little bit of both. I am going through something right now that I'm pretty sure you couldn't handle." She just looked at me like I was the devil. That really bothered me, so I grabbed my phone and texted Eli.

"What are you doing?"

"Texting."

"While we're talking?"

"Yup." I looked up at her, daring her to take further issue with me. We just stared at each other for a while, then my phone buzzed. I looked at it and my mom decided that was the time to start talking to me again.

"I just wish you would talk to me."

I stood up. "I will mom, when I'm ready, but now I'm heading out."

"Oh you are, are you?"

"Yes I am, I'm going to Eli's, we need to talk." I pulled on my hoody and brushed past her, leaving her standing in my room, a confused look on her face.

I had a second to wonder if I should have mentioned needing to talk to Eli, but didn't dwell on it. I just left. I ended up practically running to his place. Not because I was particularly eager to get there, but because I really needed to get away from my mom and her questions. On my way there, I thought about how and what I was going to say to my…boyfriend. I arrived outside of his house and stood there for a moment, catching my breath. Just as I was about to knock, Eli opened the door.

**Eli**

"So you were watching for me, eh?" Adam said.

Eli actually blushed! "Well yeah, I was really happy when you texted."

He smiled goofily at Eli, "So, you gonna let me in?"

"No, I just thought I would keep you out here on the porch." Eli smiled at him, then stepped aside. "Come in, would it be weird if I called you babe?"

"I don't know yet."

"Fair enough," Eli said as he lead the way into the house. He turned toward Adam when they got to the living room. "So, would you rather talk here, or in my room?"

"Well, are your folks here?"

"Nope, we've got the place to ourselves."

"Then here, if that's ok."

"Of course it is, I wouldn't have offered if it wasn't." He sat on the couch and motioned for him to sit next to him while turning so they could face each other. Eli motioned for Adam to go ahead.

He sat and took a deep breath. "So… I … um… See the reason I freaked…"

Eli reached out and put a hand on his knee. "Adam, breath, it's ok. I think I may have figured out what the problem is, was. Shit that came out wrong."

"Eli, that's really sweet, but I doubt that you know what my issue is."

"It's true that I could be wrong, but I don't think I am." He grinned at his boyfriend.

"Oh yeah? Well lets hear it then." Adam folded his arms across his chest and leaned against the couch.

"Shit, now I really hope I'm not wrong." Adam gave him a look. "Hey, I still think I'm right, but on the like 5 percent chance that I'm not, it'll be pretty embarrassing." He took a deep breath before continuing. "Well, I had to think back to what was happening when you, as you put it, freaked. It dawned on me that I had just grabbed your but and pushed my pelvis, or rather ground it into yours." He took another deep breath. "I think you freaked because my action reminded you that you, no matter how male you are…"

Adam smiled a little. "I don't have a penis."

"Right."

They just sat there for a moment, silent, then tears started rolling down Adam's face…

"Baby.." he looked at Adam for reassurance. he nodded so Eli continued. "I need you to know that I would have never gotten with you if that was an issue for me." Adam looked like he was gonna say something but Eli stopped him with a hand held up. "I know it is an issue for you, but I guess I just figured we would deal with it when we have to. I've been on line a bunch researching stuff. Now I don't know if you will ever want to sleep with me, but if we decide to, it'll be up to you how it all works. Ok?"

"Ok," he said, his voice barely above a whisper. "I feel like I should warn you that I might be a bit of a pain when it comes to this. Believe me, I…" He looked down, a dusting of pink spreading across his cheeks and continued to speak. "…I think about it, it's just." He looked back up. "I don't really know how to say this… I'm sorry Eli I can't, not now."

"That's fine Adam, like I said, it's all up to you. I have to admit, I'm glad you think about it too." He smiled at his boyfriend and Adam's face flushed again. "I also respect your choices. We can cool things down if you like or…"

Eli wasn't able to say any more because suddenly Adam was kissing him.


	12. Chapter 12

**Hello! Again, I'm sorry for the wait. Thank you to those of you who review. To those of you who have expressed some... impatiance, I thank you as well. I do have to say that the reasons for the really long wait concern my health so now I have lots of apointments on top of a full time job and all else in my life. It flatters me that you REALLY want to keep reading my story and I promise that I post the chapters as often as I ca. You should be happy to know that I am about half way through chapter 13 now!**

**Thanks as always to my lovely beta ILive4Irony417. You kick ass!**

**One last little note, I'm thinking of changing the rating of this story to M, what do you think? Also Degrassi is not mine :D**

I'm not sure what came over me exactly, I was just so happy that I seemed to have the best boyfriend I could hope for. I mean, it wasn't all that long ago that I was freaked at the possibility that I might be even a little gay. Then once I was okay with that fact, I started worrying about the possibility of sex. Sure that is still there a little, but knowing that he is cool at least in theory and that he will let me lead, just got me all kinds of happy. So I was currently attacking Eli's neck with my lips, tongue and teeth.

"Mmmmm, baby," he moaned against my ear. I decided that I liked when he called me that, at least when we were making out, so I told him. My admission seemed to turn him on more. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me deeply, then he started pulling me toward him. He hesitated for a moment and it just made me like him even more. I crawled onto his lap and deepened the kiss. Now it was my turn to moan. It felt so good to be wanted and to know that the guy beneath me wanted me for who I am. The kiss broke and Eli left a trail of kisses down my neck to my collar.

"Tha… tha… mmmmmmm, that feeeeels gooood." I sighed as he started nibbling at my skin. I don't know what took me over, maybe it was just that I felt so good. I slid my hands down his sides, pushing them under him so I could squeeze his ass.

Just then the front door opened. As I jumped off his lap, fumbling because a hand got stuck under him, I heard a familiar voice.

"Oops, sorry boys." It was Eli's dad, I thought I would die!

"Hey dad, mom," Eli said. Shit, I didn't notice until then that his mom was there too. How the hell was Eli being so calm? My heart felt like it was going to hammer right out of my chest, I was so embarrassed. Eli flung his arm around me and I thought I would die. Sure I know he is open with his folks, but this is just too much. I think my sudden tensing let him know because he spoke up again. "Well, Adam and I are gonna head upstairs." Then just as his mom opened her mouth to speak he cut her off. "And no remarks." He smiled at his parents as he stood, pulling me along with him. I tried to block out the snickers as we headed up the stairs. When we got into his room I sat on his bed and put my head in my hands.

"Oh my god," I moaned before looking up. "I can't believe you aren't totally mortified."

He smirked, then sat next to me, sliding his hand onto my knee. "I am embarrassed, but really Adam when those two are your parents, you learn to get used to stuff like that. Just be thankful all we were doing was making out." He gave me a significant look.

"Oh shit, they walked in on you doing it before?"

_"Yeah, now that _was mortifying."

I laughed, I couldn't help it, that was kinda funny. Mostly only cause I wasn't involved. I had to thank Eli for cheering me up and putting me at ease a little though. I smiled at him and moved in for a kiss.

As much as I wanted to avoid it, I did eventually have to go home. Not, that is, until more embarrassing comments from Eli's parents. I did end up staying for dinner and I didn't really realize until I started eating that it was the only thing I had all day. I had to think about that to make sure that I wasn't falling into old habits again. I know that's what my mom wants to talk to me about. The thing is, I kinda feel like it was a fluke. Sure this morning it was probably accidentally on purpose, but now the anxiety that I was feeling is mostly gone. I should be fine. At least that's what I will keep telling myself. I was running over this in my head as I walked home. Eli had wanted to drive me, but I insisted on walking. I had to figure out how I was gonna deal with my mom. By the time I made it home I still hadn't come up with what I would do. I stood on the front step trying to come up with a way to avoid the coming conversation when she opened the door.

"Adam, why are you just standing out here?"

"I was about to come in," I answer feebly then did just that. As I walked in I couldn't help but notice that the house was eerily silent. "Where is everybody?"

"Drew and your dad went out to run some errands." She walked into the living room, sat on the couch and patted the spot next to her.

I took a deep breath and sat. I wasn't going to be the one to speak first, she is the one who wants to talk so badly anyway. So we just sat there in silence for a while, playing a sort of who's gonna talk first chicken. I have an excellent resolve.

"Adam, should I be worried?"

"About my eating?"

"Yes."

"I don't think so mom. Its true I was stressed this morning, but I did eat with Eli's family and the stuff that was stressing me out has been figured out for the most part."

She looked at me, her face full of motherly concern. I had to say something, no matter how much she drives me crazy, she is my mom and I love her.

"Look mom, I stopped the self harm before it got out of control again, didn't I?"

She nodded. "Yes, but-"

I reached out an lay a hand on her shoulder. "But what? I'll be fine mom, ok?"

"I don't know Adam, something is going on with you that you aren't sharing with me. I'm worried."

There she goes with the crazy making. "Look mom, like I said before, I am going through stuff, but I can't share it with you. Not now at least."

She heaved a sigh and I clearly recognized her exasperated look. "Why won't you share with me honey?"

"Ugh mom! I am a teenager, I'm supposed to keep things from you, right?" She gave me a thoroughly unimpressed look. "Do you do this to Drew?" Now it was my turn to shoot a look at her. We had had this conversation too many times. I get that I was her little girl to her. Thing is, I have never been her inside. Now that I'm living as male I expect people to treat me as such. I know its hard for her but damn.

"Now Adam, that's not fair."

"How isn't that question fair? I am your son, same as Drew, right?"

"You know it isn't the same."

"Why not mom? Aaaarrrggghhh! This kind of thing is why I'm stressed, I'm not a girl but

I'm not boy enough either!" I stood to leave.

"Wait Adam, wait."

I turned around and the look on my mother's face stopped me.

"Are other kids giving you a hard time? Are you being bullied again?"

"No mom, its nothing like that."

She let out a breath. "Oh good, so what is it?"

"Mom, I told you, I can't talk about it."

She sighed and I recognized defeat when I saw it. Shit, I didn't want this to happen…

"Look mom, what if I offer you some information? Will you take what I give you and not push for more?"

She gave me a quizzical look. "Oh alright."

I took a deep breath. "Its, uh relationship kinda stuff."

Her eyebrows shot up her forehead. "So, uh, do you have… um are you dating someone?"

Wow. "See? That is why I didn't want to talk to you!"

"Oh Adam, I know…" She put her head in her hands for a moment. "Look, I'm sorry

Adam, I didn't mean that the way it came out. It's tough on a parent when your kids start dating. I just worry is all. If you met somebody, that's great. I hope she is nice and I hope some time I get to meet her."

…Well at least she's trying, right?

**Hope you likes it! Reviews make me :D**


	13. Chapter 13

**Hey all, sorry for the wait, this is a longer one though so I hope it apeases! Also D Jimmy answered my question of upping the rating to an M so I did :D.**

**Thanks ILive4Irony417 for awesome betaing and thanks to reviewers!**

**Degrassi still isn't mine**

**Adam**

The next few days were weird. My mom was extra chipper and seemed to be handling me with kid gloves. She constantly had a huge smile on her face and I could tell that she was wording everything she sad to me very carefully. I don't really know how to take it. Should I be happy that she isn't pushing me to tell her my business or pissed that she is treating me kinda like a china doll? I finally decided just to be happy while also aware that this could end at any moment.

School started up again and because of all the stuff that happened at the dance, Mr. Simpson instituted a bunch of new rules. Metal detectors, no cell phone service, no social networking sites on school computers, strict rules around PDA, the list goes on. The weirdest part is that Eli wasn't there. He was suspended for the week because of the thing with Fitz. In some ways I was sad that he wasn't around, but I did get to talk to him and we were planning on getting together this weekend. In a way I was happy that he wasn't around at school. I didn't have to worry about anyone finding us out. I'm not sure why, but I have this crazy fear that if we are physically together that people will just know; like just by looking at us they will find out. I know its nuts, but I can't help it. As happy as I am to be with someone as awesome as Eli, I can't help be worried. My mind just keeps worrying over what could happen if I got outed as gay as well as Trans. I would be labeled as the ultimate freak of nature. I don't think I could handle that.

Clare and Ali wouldn't leave me alone on top of everything else. Ali more than Clare. She seemed off, I guess it's because of the stuff that went down at the dance and the things she had to do. I also couldn't help but wonder if she wanted to get close to me so she could figure out what Drew was up to. I was sitting outside during lunch on Wednesday despite the chilly weather. I was hoping that eating outside would keep others from bugging me. I sat at a table not really eating my apple and reading a comic.

"Hey Adam!" I didn't have to look up to know it was Ali.

"Hey Ali," I mumbled before taking a bite of my apple hoping that she would just go if she thought I was eating. No such luck. Its not that I don't want to talk to anyone, it's just that I'm kind of over talking about the same things over and over. Ali was almost as bad as my mom that way.

She sat across from me. "Brrr, why are you sitting out here?"

"Cause I wanted to be alone."

"Oh, sorry, should I go?"

"No Ali its fine, what's up?"

"I was just thinking, you have a boyfriend and you don't want anyone to know about it. All I want when I have a boyfriend is for people to know. Do you think I'm boy crazy?"

I chuckled, I couldn't help it. "I don't know Ali, its not like we're close."

"Yeah but you've been here long enough to have heard the rumors."

"Yeah, well, I'm not big on gossip." I smiled at her and she just looked down at her hands. "Hey, you ok?"

"My parents hate me and I just don't know what to do. It seems like all or most of the mistakes I've made have to do with boys. I'm a mess."

"Yeah," I said as I awkwardly patted her shoulder. "Aren't we all in some way?"

She smiled and I was happy that she didn't seem to notice my awkwardness. "Thanks Adam." She wiped her eyes with her sleeve, and then a look of embarrassment crossed her face. "I'm sorry; I don't know why I came to you with this. I think I'll go find Clare." She stood up and started to walk away but stopped after only a couple feet. "You know, you shouldn't worry so much about everyone else, if you like being with Eli, then be with Eli."

"Yeah." _I wish it was that easy_, I added to myself.

The next few days went a little like that. People were talking to me about their issues and adding in how they think that I should stop being worried about mine and Eli's relationship. It was weird and annoying. I'm not sure why everyone suddenly feels like they can talk to me about their issues. It also bothers me that so many straight people who have no idea what its like to be gay let alone Trans keep telling me to get over my issues. What the hell do they know? They can parade their boyfriends and girlfriends around that halls and nobody bats an eye. Riley and Zane have seen their share of crap and so have I, just for existing! Honestly part of me just wants to be with Eli and not care what anyone thinks. Really I would love that, I am fast realizing that I am bi, or whatever and Eli makes me happy. But I like him enough not to want him to get shit for dating me. So we will stay a secret for now.

I made it to Friday and I was SO happy that I was going to Eli's after school. So happy that I'm sure I looked like a big old goofy freak to everyone at school, I just couldn't stop smiling. So of course my brother and friends noticed. I did spare a thought or two to Ali who decided to leave after talking with me and Clare. In fact I tried to keep Clare talking about Ali instead of Eli when she caught up with me on my way out that afternoon

.

"Hey Adam!"

I slowed down so she could catch up to me. She fell in step beside me, "hey Clare."

"So," she started, her eyes slightly downcast. "You're going to see Eli now?"

"So how about Ali going to a privet school?" I said, trying to steer the conversation in a more manageable direction.

She stopped, a slightly pouty look on her face. "I'm serious Adam! I need you to take him something for me. And remember, I gave you two the go ahead."

I sighed, "Yes I know Clare, but it still feels weird. You two just broke up like what, two weeks ago?"

"Yeah, but that isn't the point. Both of you are, or were my friends and I want you to be happy."

"Ok, well yes I'm going over to his place now… You said you wanted me to give him something?"

"Yes," she said while pulling a folded up piece of paper out of her pocket and handing it to me. "I haven't really been able to tell him how I feel about us splitting and you two getting together. This says it all." She smiled and turned to leave, then turned back. "I know I probably don't have to say this, but, I don't care if you know what it says, I just would rather Eli read it first."

"Don't worry Clare, I'm not planning on reading it, it is for Eli, not me."

She hugged me. "Thanks Adam, I'm glad we're still friends." She beamed at me then left, an extra skip in her step. I smiled to myself. I had to admit, that I was happy that she seemed to be taking Eli and me so well. I also did really want to know what the note said, but I know it would be best to just wait. Eli might not even want me to know what it says, I doubt that, but still, it's a possibility. My mind was like this for most of the walk to Eli's. When I got there, I was suddenly aware that I was nervous, of what, I'm not exactly sure. So I tried to push it aside, taking a deep breath before knocking on the door.

**Eli**

Eli was ridiculously happy that his boyfriend was coming over today. He was getting stir crazy sitting at home all week. He never thought he would think or say it, but he kinda missed school. Not everything, and according to Adam, he was gonna stop missing it as soon as he got back, what with all the new rules. But sitting around for a whole week without anything to do but write, watch movies and play video games, well as much as he liked doing all those things, it got old real quick. So, yeah, he was happy to be seeing his boyfriend in a short while. He missed him. Sure they talked just about every night, but it isn't the same. He can't kiss the phone. Well he could, but it wouldn't be anywhere near as satisfying.

When Adam arrived he had to keep himself from opening the door before he knocked this time. Adam knocked and he walked, not ran to get the door and opened it. "Hey you," he said as he smirked at the boy in front of him.

"Hey," Adam smiled back.

Eli pulled him into a kiss while backing them into the house and shutting the door.

"Mmmmm," he moaned against Adam's mouth. "I missed you."

"Me too, god this week has been… strange."

"Yeah?" Eli says as he leans in for another kiss.

"Whoa, down boy!" Adam smiles as he playfully pushes his boyfriend away. "Are your folks around?"

"Nope, we have the place to ourselves. They will probably stop in for dinner and to change though, they have a party they're going to tonight."

"Well good, can we keep the making out at a minimum until they leave for their party?"

Eli smiled at him, then made a big production of sighing. "Oh I suppose I can control myself long enough." They both laughed as the sat on the couch. "So, what do ya wanna do?"

"Rock Band?"

"Oh yes!"

The two got up and got to rocking. Eli was joking when he made the comment about controlling himself… kinda. He was finding it difficult being so close to Adam without touching him. So he tried to focus on the game, it wasn't working so well. His game was a little off cause he was busy thinking. Sure, they had only been together for a week, but he already knew that he was falling in love. He only hoped that Adam would too. He knew how hard being with him was for Adam and he hoped that his boyfriend could come to terms with all of it and stop being so worried. He also hoped that at some point Adam relaxed a little in the sex department, cause, damn. Seriously, his boyfriend is HOT, so of course he wants it, not to mention the whole falling for him thing. He must have really been deep in thought because he was brought out by Adam practically yelling his name.

"Eli!"

"Wha? Oh shit!" he exclaimed when he realized that he was royally sucking and about to get booted out. "Sorry."

Adam paused the game and turned toward the dark haired boy. "What is up with you?"

"Sorry Adam, I was just thinking I guess. Let's keep playing; I can get back in it."

Adam gave his boyfriend a look that was questioning and somewhat suspicious but didn't say anything. Eli did a lot better at paying attention to the game. He had to, he so wasn't ready to tell Adam what he had been thinking. So they played, Eli actually scoring high as he should, until his folks got home. They arrived within just a few minutes of each other. Eli paused the game to talk to them about Adam spending the night maybe. He knew that Adam may not want to stay, but he had to ask. It was weird talking to them about it, but not for the reasons that such a conversation would be weird to most kids. He had to explain without telling his parents everything, why Adam may not sleep in his room. It is definitely awkward telling your parents that your transgender boyfriend isn't ready for sex yet. Yeah just a little awkward. Eli did live through it and in the end his parents were understanding. He headed back into the living room to find Adam playing solo.

"Hey, what do ya say we switch to zombies for a while?"

Adam smiled at him. "Sounds good," he said as he stopped and took out Rock Band, replacing it with Dead Rising.

The two boys settled themselves on the couch and got to playing. It wasn't long before Eli's parents were heading to the door. "Ok you two and there is money for you two to get dinner on the kitchen counter." Eli's dad said as he ushered his wife out the house with a pat on her ass.

Without pausing the game or turning, Adam spoke. "Man, I know I've said it before, but your folks are a trip."

"Right?" Eli agreed before pausing the game and leaning into Adam all in one movement.

"Hey-" Adam started but was cut off by Eli's kiss.

Soon the game controllers were forgotten on the floor. Eli moved them so he could straddle Adam. He kissed the boy beneath him deeper and deeper, pulling moans from him. Eli was trying hard to keep his hands from wandering, focusing on his mouth against his boyfriends. His mouth was the only thing he let wander, kissing a trail down his neck to his color bone. Adam surprised him by sliding his hands up his back and pulling him tight against his body.

"Mmmmm, baby," Eli moaned against his boyfriend's mouth. He was feeling so good that he started making needy sounds as he kept telling himself to keep cool. It would seem that his boy was full of surprises tonight; next he started tugging at his shirt. Eli sat back on Adam's lap so he could help get the offending article of clothing off. When Eli had lost his shirt he just sat there on Adam's lap, waiting for instruction, or something. Adam smiled up at him and tentatively brushed his fingertips across Eli's stomach. Eli relaxed a little and Adam became a little less timid. His hands pressed a harder against his skin, keeping the gentle pressure his hands rose. He stopped when the tips of his fingers found nipples. Sensation shot through every nerve in Eli's body and his breath caught in his throat. Against his better judgment, he rocked his hips forward. He gripped Adam's arms, somehow trying to both will his hard on away as well as keep his hands on him. He didn't even know that his eyes had been closed until he opened them. He looked down at the boy beneath him and was met with a look he couldn't discern. Before he could even really try to figure it out, Adam pulled him into a fierce kiss. He kissed back and a bunch of things happened at once. Adam's hands found his ass, pressing his hard on against his crotch. Eli froze. He broke the kiss and sat back, trying to figure out what was going on.

"Adam, what is up?"

"I…. Shit I don't know. I want you Eli," he said while sitting up and gently kissing his chest.

Eli couldn't believe he was about to do what he was. "Baby, I want you too, but I'm pretty sure you aren't ready to take this where its going." He removed himself from Adam's lap and sat next to him.

Adam breathed a sigh of something like relief. "You know you're right. I just, ugh, it's so frustrating."

"Oh, believe me I know frustrating," he smiled at his boyfriend who hugged him closely.

"Thanks for being so awesome Eli."

"You're welcome, now what do ya say we have some dinner? Pizza?"

"Can we go out? I kinda want a salad."

"Salad? You are so gay!"

They both laughed as they got up and headed out the door.

**Adam**

We decided to just go to the dot. We were sitting there waiting for our food (a salad, hey, with chicken, for me and a burger and fries for Eli) when Sav showed up.

"Hey you two," he smiled down at us. "I won't bug you long, just wanted to say hi."

Honestly part of me wished that he would just sit and stay with us the whole time. I was feeling crazy for how I had acted. Sure I want him, I do, but what the hell would have happened if it went further? I can guess, I would have freaked the second reality crashed in and I was faced with the fact that I don't have a dick. How the hell are we ever gonna work? I know Eli is sweet and will wait, but will he wait forever? I mean, its not that I don't want it; I just don't know how it will ever work out. I am so glad that he was the one to stop it though. It further shows that he is a super good guy. Suddenly I realized that I was spaced out because both Eli and Sav were waving their hands in my face and calling my name in a sing-song manner.

"Oh, hey, sorry, I was just thinking."

"Yeah obviously," Eli said then added in a whisper, "and I bet I know what about." He gave me a knowing look and I thought I was gonna die.

"Oh man," Sav said. "I heard that."

"Sorry," Eli grinned.

"Yeah that's my cue to leave. See ya, have fun," he said with a genuine smile on his face as he turned to go.

I must have had a look on my face cause what Eli said next was, "Sorry Adam, I didn't mean foe Sav to hear that."

"Its ok," I said, only half truthfully.

"No Adam it isn't ok." He had started reaching for my hand, but had to stop when the waiter came with our food. As soon as we were "alone" again he started talking in a very quiet voice. "You are having some confusion and apprehension as well as, you know, really wanting to do it. I shouldn't have made a remark like that at all, especially in public. Now don't deny it, you know I'm right, just take my apology." He smiled at me and I was glad I was sitting because my knees went a little weak.

"Thanks Eli and you're forgiven." I reached my hand across the table and gave his a little squeeze.

We started eating, him hungrily while I nibbled at my salad. I thought a little about how silly I was being to some degree and decided to just try to eat like a normal person. Whatever that means. I had just put a bite in my mouth when Eli spoke up.

"So, I was wondering… You wanna spend the night?"

I choked on my salad. "Wha- what?"

"No pressure Adam, I can sleep on the floor, or even the couch if that would make you more comfortable."

"I don't know…"

"Look, you can think it over and let me know later."

I smiled at him, "thanks."

We kept eating, well he did, I mostly just pushed my food around my plate. After a while we finished and headed back to Eli's. After trying to figure it out for a while we decided to watch a movie. Eli had some movie that he said was awesome.

"I'm telling you Adam, it is crazy. Everyone is queer and there's an alien."

"Ok, you got me with alien. What's it called?"

"Nowhere. If you like it, I can rip you a copy, it is crazy hard to find cause it's out of print. I'm lucky I didn't have to pay like 70 bucks for it."

"Whoa."

"Yeah, so wanna watch it?"

"Sure."

Eli put the movie in and we settled ourselves on the couch. I was still feeling a little weird about our making out earlier and thinking about the invitation to stay the night. Once the movie started I got sucked in. It was crazy and a little hot, about three quarters through it I found myself turning his face toward mine.

When our lips were just an inch apart Eli spoke. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah," I whispered just before closing the distance. We made out for a while, this time I kept my head. Though as soon as I started wanting more, I stopped it. "Baby, can I call you that too?" He nodded. "K, well we need to stop and I think I have to go."

"Ok…"

"I'm sorry; it's just, I need to be alone for a while so I can think."

He reached out to squeeze my arm. "Ok, I understand." Then he trailed his hand down my arm to end holding my hand. "Come on, I'll walk you to the door." he stood, pulling me along with him. We got to the door and he pulled me to him. "So will I see you tomorrow?"

"Yeah, I'll call you in the morning."

"K, g'night you," he said as he leaned in to kiss me.

I pulled away slightly breathless. "Goodnight." I pushed the door open, reluctantly letting go of his hand as I turned to leave.

I ended up running home, trying to work out the arousal that I was still feeling. It didn't work. I got home and was still horny as hell. So after talking to my mom as little as possible I went to take a shower where I jerked off. Somehow that still didn't quite knock it out so when I fell asleep it was a little restless.

**Review please?**


	14. Chapter 14

**So here is chapter 14. I have some warnings for this one. First, this chappie starts out dirty sexy! The big warning is that the eating disorder stuff really gets obvious here. The chapter could be triggering for bulimics, binge eaters and/or purgers. You have been warned.**

**Thank you to all of my readers and reviewers. Thank you to ILive4Irony417 my kick ass beta! I know this is short, but have no fear, I'm almost done with the next chapter so y'all shoudn't have to wait too long.**

**Degrassi aint mine people :D**

I was woken up by a knock at my door. "Who is it?" I called.

"It's me, Eli," was the answer I got.

I sat up feeling kinda self conscious but yelled, "Come in," anyway.

The door opened and my breath caught in my throat, he looked so good. He was wearing faded black skinny jeans and a white t-shirt that clung to him in a way that was totally drool worthy. I looked up at his face and was left breathless again, he was looking at me like he was starving and I was a sandwich.

"Hey," I said, my voice barley above a whisper.

"Hey," he said as he sat next to me.

I'm not sure what came over me, but as soon as his body was sitting so close to mine, I lunged. My kiss was fierce and frantic, like I might die if our lips stayed apart. Having his mouth on mine felt so good that I didn't even notice when my covers got pushed aside. I pulled away enough so I could kiss my way down his cheek and jaw line to make my way to his neck. He started making high pitched sounds when my tongue flicked out against his skin. I grazed his neck with my teeth and he gripped my ass tighter, pressing our bodies together. It was that sensation that brought me back into myself and I became very aware of his body and mine. We were kneeling, our bodies facing each other. I let my hands slide down to his ass, squeezing and pulling more sounds from him.

"God Adam, mmmmm."

"Sssshhhh, my parents," I whispered.

"They're gone, they were leaving when I got here," he said before covering my mouth with his again.

"Good," I breathed against his mouth before moving back to his neck.

I tried to move my mouth farther down, but was stopped by his shirt. I made a frustrated sound as I started pulling at the cloth. He pulled back a little so he could help me get the shirt off. I pushed him back on the bed and crawled on top of him in one fluid movement. I moved my mouth from his neck, down to his collar bone, and then continued on until I found his nipple. He cried out above me as I teased the hard flesh with my tongue. Suddenly his hands were pulling at my shirt. I had a moment of worry that I let go quickly. It wasn't long before our clothes had all been thrown haphazardly on the floor. We pressed our bodies together, reveling in the feel of skin against skin. Our hands roamed all over, exploring each other until Eli started making helpless sounds.

"Mmmmmm, Adam, fuck baby, I…I"

"Yeah baby?"

"I w- w- want you," he breathed.

Yeah?"

"Yes," he answered and that's all that I needed.

I'm not sure how, but suddenly I had a condom and some lube. I slipped the condom on before lubing up his hole and my cock. All the while watching Eli squirm beneath me. God he is so hot. Soon I was spreading my boyfriend's legs while raising them up and resting his feet on my shoulders. I slowly pushed my way inside him, loving he feel of him around me. Eli arched his back and cried out in pleasure. Once I was fully sheathed inside him, we started working toward the perfect rhythm. We soon found it and I began pounding our way toward orgasm. It wasn't long before I felt that growing warmth below my belly button.

"Ooooohhhh g- g- god, I'm gonna…" And then I woke up, my shorts soaked, heart pounding, breath coming in frantic bursts and an almost unbearable heat between my legs. I reached down so I could get the release that the dream couldn't provide.

I lay there for a moment, not knowing what or how to feel. Then the tears came and I just let it out. This isn't the first time I've had a dream like this before, the only difference is that this is the first time the dream involved someone I was with and cared about. It's one thing to feel crazy and messed up about my own body, but when what I'm lacking involves someone I care about, that's a whole different story. Sure he says he's cool with everything, but I can't stop thinking how everything would just be better if my body matched the rest of me. I lay there sobbing like a baby while I decided that I had to come up with a reason not to see him today. Then my phone started playing Celebrity status, Clair's ring tone. As I hit ignore, I remembered that I hadn't given Eli her note yesterday. Shit, so much for not seeing him today.

I lay there a little longer, feeling shitty, then I was overcome with crazy intense hunger. Just like that I knew what would make me feel better. I know, it's not the right choice or whatever, but it's what I need right now. I got up and headed downstairs, when I made my way to the kitchen, my heart soared. I found a note on the kitchen counter, explaining that everyone was out. I was alone! There were muffins on the counter and I grabbed a couple of them, then I headed to the fridge, got some milk, water and yogurt. Then I headed to the pantry and grabbed a box of corn pops that was magically almost full. I put some water on for tea while I started on the cereal. I was halfway through my fourth bowl when the tea water started screaming. I took it off the burner and filled a cup, then put a bag of my favorite tea in it. Then I got back to my cereal. After finishing that fourth bowl, I downed some water, and then moved on to the yogurt. I finished that quickly, drank more water, then ate the muffins. I didn't feel full enough so I headed back to the pantry. I put the pops back then grabbed some honey nut cheerios. I ate three bowls of that, but still didn't feel like I had taken in enough. I felt terrible, I wanted to physically too. I drank more water then ate another muffin. I felt so bad; I just stood in the kitchen practically losing it. I went toward the fridge, opened the freezer and pulled out some ice cream. That's what I needed. I opened the carton to see that it was about half full. I finished it then grabbed my tea and gulped some down even though it was pretty hot. Now it was right. I headed to the bathroom, thinking for a moment how nice it was that I didn't need to turn on the water or anything before puking it all up.

I flushed the toilet for the last time about twenty minutes later. I went to the sink, rinsed my mouth out with water, then mouth wash, then water again before brushing my teeth. I stood up and looked in the mirror. The high set in, I smiled at my reflection and took a deep breath. I felt so much better. Now it's time to call Eli.

**Reviews please!**

**~Eryc**


	15. Chapter 15

**Well here it is, sorry for the wait. My lovely beta ILive4Irony417 had prom and life in general. I also have been a little wacky. **

**There is more ED stuff in here and probably will be from now on.**

**Thanks to my readers and reviewers! You all rock! Thanks ILive4Irony417 for being awesome!**

**I still don't own degrassi**

**Adam**

I called Eli and told him about the note from Clare. He seemed a little amused by it, which really was to be expected. I told him that I had the house to myself when I invited him over. He seemed to like the thought of that. I actually wasn't feeling too weird about it, sure some of the weirdness left over from my dream was there, but that binge and purge really did the trick. I felt wonderfully empty. Not just of food, but worry, anxiety and sadness. Its times like these that I wonder why I ever stopped. Ok so there was that time that I almost died, but I won't let it get that bad this time. Any way the point is, I feel good for once so I'm just gonna go with it.

I decided to bake some cookies while I was waiting for Eli to show up. I felt so powerful sitting in the kitchen, smelling the cookies baking and knowing that I was gonna resist them. There was a knock at the door just as I was putting the last dozen in the oven. "Coming!" I called as I closed the oven door. I practically ran out of the kitchen to get the door. I big smile spread across my face as I opened it to see my boyfriend standing there.

"Hey you," he said as he stepped up to plant a kiss on my mouth.

"Hey," I said back while moving so he could walk inside.

We headed straight for the living room where we sat on the couch. I pulled the note out of my back pocket and handed it to him. He set it on the coffee table and pulled me to him.

"Not yet, I want some just me and you time before opening that." He shot the note an offending look.

"I can deal with that," I smiled at him before brushing my lips against his.

**Eli**

As he kissed his boyfriend, Eli distantly thought about the note that he knew he had to read. Sure Clare isn't as fond of drama as her friend Ali, but he was still a little worried about the contents of the letter. Things were just starting to go really well with him and Adam, the last thing he needed was ex drama. He sighed into his boyfriend's mouth before pulling away. He took a deep breath and reached down to retrieve the note from the coffee table. Adam was watching him, an unreadable look on his face. Eli briefly laughed at himself for being so silly about a stupid letter. So he opened it and started reading.

_Eli,_

_I just wanted to write you to let you know some things since we haven't really been talking so much. First I want you to know that I do care about you and some part of me does feel bad about us breaking up, but ultimately I feel like it was the best decision. I really did want to believe that we could work despite our differences, sadly that wasn't true. I do feel like I have learned a lot from you and hope that we can regain some kind of friendship. Because even though I don't think we work as a couple, I do care about you and want you in my life. _

_Although it is a little strange, I am very happy for you and Adam. He is a great guy and after some thought I have come to the conclusion that you two are better matched than you and I. I hope I am right, because you are two of my closest friends and I want to see you both happy. I hope that we can continue to be friends; I am leaving it up to you to get a hold of me whenever you're ready._

_-Clare_

He finished reading and looked up at his boyfriend.

"So… how was it?"

He smiled, "Not bad, she just wants to make sure we stay friends and gives us her blessing." He chuckled.

"What? Her blessing, did she actually say that?"

"No, but that's what it came across as, you wanna read it?"

"Sure."

Eli passed the note over and waited while Adam read it. As he read, Eli thought about how strange all this is. He was with Clare, always had a thing for Adam, who is his and Clare's friend. Then he and Clare break up, Adam and he get together and Clare writes him a note giving them the go ahead. Wow, it's like his life is a teen drama on TV or something. But hey, he got the guy which is awesome. Just then Adam looked up.

"Well, that's cool I guess. She had told me that she was cool with us being together, but I wasn't really sure. Seems like she meant it."

"Yeah, enough about her, I'm here to hang with my boyfriend." He gave Adam his sexiest smile.

"Yeah, so what do you want to do?"

He didn't answer, he just intensified his look.

Adam smacked him on his shoulder. "Stop you," he said as he smiled at Eli. "Seriously, what do you wanna do?"

"I don't know we could watch a movie, or… I'm a little hungry. Wanna get something to eat?"

"No, I had a big breakfast. But if you're hungry then you should eat."

"Cool, The Dot?" Adam nodded. "Alright, then we can go to the comic store after, I think the latest Walking Dead just came out."

"That sounds great," he said as he stood. "Let's go."

They got themselves together and headed out the door. After Eli was full of food and Adam was full of coffee, they headed to the comic store. They decided to walk since the store is just five blocks away from The Dot. As they walked, sharing a comfortable silence, Eli found himself lost in thought.

He wasn't sure, but something seemed off about his boyfriend. Yes things have been going good, but they have known each other for much longer than they have been going out. There has been some kind of a shift in him. His appetite seems different; he didn't even try to steal one of his fries today. That's weird. He also seems like he is often preoccupied with his thoughts. Sure things have been a bit crazy, what with him realizing that he likes guys, starting to date one and the sexual issues that have been coming up. Anyone would be in their head a lot. Still, he couldn't help but notice and was slightly worried that something bigger than thinking too much was going on. He hadn't noticed any burns or anything, so he was pretty sure that he wasn't self harming again, but still he had this nagging feeling that something was off. The question for him is, should he bring it up or leave it alone?

On one hand, it may be something that Adam would benefit from talking about. Then again, bringing it up could backfire too. He better not bring it up, at least not just yet. Adam will probably end up talking to him about it if there really is something up. Yeah, he should just wait for him to bring it up. If he doesn't in the next week or so and things seem worse, then he will ask.

He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't really notice where they were until he was pushing open the door to the shop. They entered and Eli reveled in the smell and atmosphere countless comics provide. He headed right to the latest Walking Dead. He picked it up and flipped through it before searching the store for Adam. He found him amongst the Vertigo comics, looking at some Fables trades.

"Hey you," he breathed into his ear once he was close enough. Adam shivered in response before turning to find himself nose to nose with Eli.

"Hi," he whispered back.

Eli felt his heart start to beat out of control, then somehow regained his brain and stepped back. They were in public after all. They just stood there for a few seconds, looking at each other until Eli spoke.

"So… you ever read those?"

"No, I want to though."

"You should, they're good." Eli took a deep breath that he hoped wasn't too obvious. This was weird; he usually wouldn't feel so weird about being couple-y in public. Thing is, he knows how hard the whole gay (or bi or whatever) thing is for Adam, coming to terms with it at least. So he doesn't want to freak him out or do something wrong.

They looked at comics and nerdy paraphernalia for a while before leaving with various books and things. They decided to spend some time at the park. They found a fairly secluded spot where they could sit close and not be bothered. They actually were sitting under a huge willow tree. The branches hid them from view, which was nice. It was mid-afternoon and they ended up just sitting and talking for hours. As they talked, they shifted a few times until they end up leaning against the trunk, holding hands. While they talked Eli noticed that there seemed to be subtle changes in Adam. His skin looked a little paler and he had slight shadows under his eyes.

"Did you stay up late last night?" he asked.

"What? Why do you ask?"

"You just look like maybe you didn't sleep well last night."

Adam smiled, "Yeah, my sleep was… restless. Crazy dreams."

"Oh? What about?"

"Oh, no, sorry but I'm keeping that to myself."

"Ah, so I had a starring role eh?"

"What makes you think that?"

"Cause you're blushing," he said as he grinned at the other boy.

Adam blushed harder and hid his face behind his hands.

Eli chuckled. "Adam, there's nothing to be shy about. We obviously both want… it. Hey I had plenty dreams starring you last night."

He blushed even harder, turning red from his shirt collar all the way up to his forehead.

"Really?"

Eli turned Adam's head so that their lips were practically touching. "Yes," he whispered, and then they were kissing.

**Adam**

I was having such a great day that I had almost forgotten this morning. That is until Eli mentioned me looking tired, then the dream came up. That even ended up better than I could have ever expected. Eli has sex dreams about me too and he didn't push to know more. So overall I was feeling great when Eli took me home much later. We had spent forever, it seemed, under that tree. It was nice to be somewhere outside where we didn't have to worry about touching and kissing and what might happen if someone saw. I was quickly realizing that I had never liked someone as much as I like Eli. As he pulled up outside of my house I was feeling like everything was finally going my way.

I turned toward my boyfriend. "Do you wanna come in for a while?"

He grinned at me, "Yes, of course I do."

We got out of Morty and headed up into my house. As we walked through the living room we saw Drew and my step dad sitting in the living room watching TV.

"Hey boys," my dad greeted, "what are you two up to?"

"Not much," I answered. "Where's mom?"

"She went over to Susan's for some kind of girls' night. She should be home in the next hour or so."

I nodded, and then turned to Eli. "You hungry?" He nodded, then we turned toward the kitchen. I realized that I hadn't eaten anything since my binge and that didn't stay in. So I decided I better eat something. I had been a little stupid cause I had been with Eli all day and not eaten once. I'm lucky he didn't notice.

After a while of searching, we decided to have some leftover chicken, rice and vegetables. I filled my plate with mostly chicken and veggies and hoped that it didn't seem weird to Eli. I also made sure to chug a glass of water before eating. We sat at the table while we ate, talking about the stuff we got at the comic shop. When we had exhausted that topic we moved on to movies we wanted to see, then books we were excited to read. After he had finished the food on his plate and I had eaten most of mine, leaving all but a bite or two of rice, we headed up to my room. Once we were safely behind the closed door, the kissing started. After a while we heard my mom come home so we decided to watch a movie on my laptop. Eli picked out Requiem For A Dream.

He turned to me, the movie in his hand. "Man, I've wanted to see this for a while. Have you read the book?"

"Yeah, that's why I got the movie. The book is way freakier."

"Don't say anything more. I haven't read it; I've had it on hold at the library forever."

I got up, crossed over to my bookshelf and pulled it from its place. "Here," I said as I tossed it to him, "borrow mine."

He crossed over to me, wrapping me in his arms. "You're the best," he whispered before kissing me again.

Just then we heard a sound outside my door. We moved apart just in time to avoid any awkward situations with my mom who we could now see standing in my doorway.

"Hello you two," she smiled at us.

"Hello Mrs. Torres," Eli responded and my mom gave him a warm smile.

"Hey mom, did you have fun at Susan's?"

"Yes, thanks for asking. What are you two up to?"

"Not much, we're about to watch a movie."

"Oh, that's good. But it is getting late."

"I know mom, don't worry, Eli will go as soon as the movie is over."

"No rush," she smiled that smile that clearly said to me that she was just being polite but she really did want him to leave after the movie. She stood there a little longer before leaving and telling us to have fun.

I thought about locking the door but decided that if she came back that we could just move apart and that if the door was locked that that would be more suspicious. We cuddled as we watched the rather disturbing movie. When it was over, Eli was even more excited to read the book. We talked for a little while about the book and some others that were maid into movies and how well the movies were made. After a while we knew that he had to go so I walked him downstairs. I so didn't want him to go, so I walked him outside where we talked for a few minutes more.

After we had talked for a while Eli turned toward me and stepped up, pressing his body against mine. "G'night baby," he breathed against my ear.

"Goodnight," I whispered back before capturing his lips with mine. I'm not sure what came over me, really. I guess I just felt so good that I decided I was invincible or something.

Just then the front door opened, Eli and I tried to move apart, but we weren't fast enough. The next thing I knew, my mom was gasping.

"Eli I think you better go now," she said in a voice that was so controlled that I just knew that she was going to burst. "Adam, come inside please."

I followed her inside after squeezing Eli's hand and giving him an apologetic look. At first she just paced, wringing her hands. After what felt like a whole two minutes she stopped right in front of me. She looked like she was literally about to EXPLODE.

"So, this is the person you're dating?"

"Well, yeah mom."

"Is he why you haven't been eating right?"

"What, no!" I practically screamed at her. Now I was getting mad, I expected her to freak some if this ever happened, but I didn't think she would accuse him of making me sick. "What I eat or don't and who I date, isn't really your business!"

"What? Not my business? I'll tell you young la- man, your eating is my business because I love you and want you to stay here!"

"Ok, fine, but what about you having issue about me and Eli?"

"Oh come on Adam, how do you want me to react? First you're my daughter, and then you're my son, now you're gay?"

"I never said I was gay."

"Well, kissing a boy is pretty gay, unless now you're gonna tell me that you are a girl again."

"Mom, we've been over that one too many times already."

"Ok, then we're back to you being gay."

"Well, I don't know what I am; I just know that I like Eli. A lot."

She stood there speechless, opening and closing her mouth like a fish. "I can't handle this right now."

That did it. "You can't handle it? How do you think I feel mom? I'm falling for someone, really for the first time and I'm terrified of what will happen if anyone finds out. I'm the one who has to live in this body that feels so wrong, not you!"

"I know honey, it's just, I don't know what to do with this."

"Who says you have to do anything?" I didn't wait for her answer, I just ran upstairs and straight to my room. Once inside, I locked the door and went to my closet where I found the bag of chips, box of cookies and bottle of water I stashed there a while back. I checked the dates on everything and luckily they were still all good. I sat in my room listening to my mom bang on my door while I stuffed myself full of junk. Luckily for me, my mom gave up before I was finished. I shoved the wrappers into the trash and headed to the bathroom to puke in the shower.

**Review Please?**


End file.
